More Mothering Thoughts...

I wrote this post a few months ago and never published it...

First of all, I want to say thanks to those of you that occasionally comment.  I definitely don't write my blog for the world, but back in the day when I would sometimes get 50 comments it was FUN!  I'll admit, feedback is nice.  But even without it I'll keep blogging because this blog basically serves as a memory reminder for me.  I have a bad memory so this is where my memories are stored and can never be forgotten.

Recently a reader commented and asked me to write more about parenting.  I don't really know what to say about parenting except for that I think about it constantly and it is a source of joy and struggle every single day.

I may have already written about this and forgive me if I have... I have a bad memory, remember?

Anyway, last fall my kids got signed up for way too many activities.  I'm still not sure how it happened.  It was an accident.  I forgot that I had signed them up for a few things already, then friends invited them to sign up for other things, then we had the church things and school things, and yeah it became absolutely crazy.  They were all really good and great things to be involved in, but overall it was just too much.

This might embarrass me later but this is everything (that I can remember!) that my various children were doing weekly:

soccer (two teams)-4 times a week plus saturday games (6 total times a week!)
cross country- 3 times a week
volleyball- 3 times a week
drama (fall play at the school)- 1-2 times a week + performance weekend
piano- 3 lessons a week + practicing (kill me now)
young womens- 1-2 times a week
scouts- 1 time a week
gymnastics- 1 time a week

Um... that's 21 things in a week.  WHAT?!?

This list does NOT include monthly or twice monthly items or other random events that came up like singing practice for stake choir, babysitting jobs, birthday parties, HOMEWORK, family get togethers, recitals, playdates, doctor/dentist appointments, Mack's activities, or stuff that Dave and I had going on (photo sessions!). etc.etc.

Of course I want my kids to have fun, to develop talents, to make new friends and get to spend time with them, to exercise (that's a big one for me), and to figure out what they love to do... but not to this extent.

I would justify it all in my mind because we live near the schools where a lot of these activities were taking place (so not a ton of driving) and I would keep everything organized in my calendar and somehow everyone got where they needed to go... but by December I was beat to DEATH.  And I vowed I would never do that again.  Come next fall, it might be hard to keep my vow.  That's why I'm writing this post to remind myself!!

The thing about being so busy is that the most important things can more easily fall between the cracks and you find yourself desperately trying to squeeze in family time together.  And as the mom you feel like you're failing because you are frazzled, rushed, and your mind feels like it's going to explode from trying to remember everything.  Plus, the kids get too tired from their fun to work hard on homework, help around the house, and practice piano.

I learned from this experience that one of the most important things for me as a Mom is nightly family dinner- with ALL of us there together eating and talking.  And when that doesn't happen at least 4-5 times a week I feel bad.   I also care A LOT about working- teaching my kids to work and making them work.  If they're so busy doing other things that they don't even have time to do a few basic household chores per day I feel like I'm not doing my job the way I should.

Remember- this is just me personally and I don't think any other mom is failing if she has different priorities or ways of doing things.  In fact, I love to hear other ways that Moms work to make their family function well.  We are all different and no one way is the only right way, I just know what makes me feel good and at peace with myself in my mothering role.

So next time I am tempted to sign them up for one more thing I will read this post and especially this quote:

I want to be a "mother that knows" in many ways, and I think an important one is to do less, and choose carefully.  Right now all that we have going on is:

1 piano lesson a week
1 voice lesson a week
young womens- 1 time per week
scouts- 1 time per week
Track- 1 time per week

That's 5 things per week (and a few monthly activities) and that's much better.

And you know what we have a lot more time for?  Eachother, peace, resting, walks, hikes, bike rides, family dinners, outings, cooking together, working on the house together, dates, and just breathing!  I love it.

A few last things:

1. I love my children a lot but I also love breaks from my children.  That's another thing that falls between the cracks when your kids are so busy- time for MOM!  And time for mom and dad.  So don't read that quote up there and feel bad if you actually don't want to spend that much time with your kids.... it's normal to feel that way.  And it doesn't mean you don't love them.  I personally just need consistent alone time to feel peaceful.

2.  One of the main reasons I have a hard time saying no to activities is because I see a lot of potential in my kids.  I know we all see that in our children and can't help but feel like we don't want to squash that potential or hold them back from something that is good for them, and could end up being great for them!  When I feel like this I try to remember that most kids just end up being normal, average, everyday people.  I mean, how many of us are olympic athletes or professional dancers?  How many of us have some amazing, outstanding, awesome talent that we spent our childhood perfecting and still use to this day?  There are definitley amazing people around us but I don't necessarily want my kids to grow up and become a professional athlete or concert pianist.... and in reality they probably wouldn't anyway.  Most of the talents I admire in others are things that come naturally to them and or were cultivated as adults.

I want my kids to grow up and be good people: hard workers, intelligent, kind, giving, service-minded, fun, making a difference in small ways and most importantly... happy.   I want them to be people that can find happiness/joy and peace in everyday living and even amidst trials.  I also want them to be family people.  People who have children and put thought into raising them well to make small differences in the world around them.  These things aren't necessarily learned through sports and music.  Sports and music are great but moderation in all things is the key I think.  Sometimes when we haven't had enough going on we tend to go a little crazy- we all like to be busy and feel productive and have things to do.  I think it's important to find what works best for your family and go with that.

So, there you go.  My thoughts on parenting and some things I've been learning in the last year.

Another Mother's Day

I wrote this post around Mothers Day and did not post it.  So I'm adding a few pictures and going for it.  I hope it makes sense since I don't have much time to edit it again:

My favorite Mother's Day post so far this year is Brooke's.  I like that she admitted to having weaknesses and that she is not perfect, but she listed the things she is good at and focused on being positive.  We all have mom-guilt.  We all know we're not perfect.  It is easy to get down on ourselves for not being all we think we should be.  But why worry about it?  Worrying and feeling guilty is not productive so I'm going to be like Brooke and talk about what I'm good at.

But first, so that no one reading my blog thinks things are perfect (I don't know why anyone would) I'll tell you my struggles.  I struggle with being patient after 6pm.  I struggle to get kids into bed on time without getting mad, and I get super selfish around 8pm.  I struggle with not letting their fighting get to me.  I struggle with meal planning.  We sit down together as a family for dinner but I am often grumpy about cooking and then mad when someone doesn't like what I made and complains to me about it.  I struggle with their messy rooms.  I want to be left alone at times.  I'm usually behind on laundry.  I wish I was more laid back, and I wish I always knew (right away) the best way to respond to a problem or issue that arises.  I get mad and I yell.  But we all do that right? I like to think I'm getting better with time.  I pray to be more patient and I hope I am.

Now here is what I hope my kids will realize about me someday:

I am good at caring about my them.  I care so much it hurts and I think about them, and my parenting, a lot.  I'm good at recognizing when something isn't right with one of them and trying to figure it out.  I'm good at listening and noticing non-verbal cues.  I want them to be happy and I know that isn't always right because being sad and not getting what you want, and going through problems makes us better and stronger.  But still, I want them to be happy and I try to make them happy as much as I can.  I'm good at teaching them about Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and answering their questions about life.  I'm good at making them work.  It's hard and I hate it and it's not pretty most of the time.  I try to turn up the music and make nice lists of their chores but yelling usually happens anyway.  But I don't give up- I want them to be hard workers.  I'm good at gathering our family together.  I like us to do things as a group.  Even though sometimes being all together is way more stressful for me, I think it's important so I do it.  I'm good at finding fun things for us to do.  I'm good at keeping my kids active and setting a good example for that.  I'm good at defending them when they need it.  They know I'll fight anyone I have to fight for them.  Maybe I should let them fight their own battles, and I will, and I have, but I'll always be right behind them and they know that.  I'm good at doing hair, making sure they have the clothes they need, signing them up for activities to try, getting them new books from the library, letting them have friends over, and keeping homemade cookies around the house.  I'm good at hugging and kissing and scratching backs and telling them I love them.  Somedays I try to remind myself that just being here for them is enough... I'm lucky I get to be here and I hope they are glad that I am.

Lastly I want to say- let's not judge eachothers mothering.  Every mother is different and there is no one way to be a mother.  Let's not fake it.  Let's be real.  We're all good at things and bad at other things.  One woman's strength is another women's weakness.  Why do we think our lives need to appear to be perfect?  It only makes someone else feel bad.  Being real is the only way it should be HOWEVER I do appreciate positive people.  So being real and positive at the same time is the best combination.

For Mother's Day this year we met Susie at the beach (the day before) and spent a day hanging out and then went to dinner together.  It was really fun.  Mack hadn't been to the beach since the summer before and he was IN LOVE.  He spent the day digging and digging in the sand and running from the water.  He would just run back and forth over and over.  What's cuter than a two year old running??  Nothing!  Thus the 100 hundred pictures:

the sand totally makes it look like he has a 5 oclock shadow!

Me and my kids- I feel lucky and blessed that they're mine.

We got Susie an Itouch for Mothers day- she loves it and has really figured it out!  Lexi and I gave her some tips and taught her some things and she picked it up quick.  The kids picked out the turtle cover because she loves turtles.  I'm excited she's gotten the hang of her new little device!  We can now send her picture and video and she's even on Instagram!

Not to end on a sad note but... At the beach, Mack just rolled in the sand a little too much and ended up getting a lot in his eyes.  We tried washing it out but he had already rubbed it too much, and then spent the next few hours crying.  He would fall asleep and then wake up crying again. So we eventually took him to the ER- it is so not like him to cry a lot!  They put dye in his eye and used an ultra violet light to see the scratch- he had a large circular one on the colored part of his eye.  The doctor said it can be very painful so she gave us some pain meds and antibiotic drops.  Luckily the eye heals very quickly and after 48 hours he was better.  So when taking little ones to the beach bring baby powder to get all of that sand of of their face asap- just a little tip that I wish I had listened to!  Even with that bad experience I can't wait to take him back.  Kids and the beach = pure contagious happiness.

   Thank you.  The end.

A Good Quote

Tonight I hopped onto my boards at pinterest- something I rarely ever do anymore.  And I found this quote I had pinned awhile back.  I like it:

"The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."—Mother Teresa

Recently we checked a book out from the library about Mother Theresa and I read a little bit about her- it was interesting and inspiring.  We all can't be like her, of course.  But we can do our best in our own little world.  

I don't know if I've been giving my best lately.  Ok, actually I do know that I haven't.  I haven't wanted to do my best everyday... I've wanted to slack off and give myself a break.  Because sometimes it seems that the good I do in one day is forgotten the next- so why do it all again?  It's not like me to be lazy and selfish and I know it's ok to be in a slump every so often.  January and February always hit me hard but I'm going to get back on track in March- I've already started and it's good.

As a Mother, I so often feel like my time is all spent helping the kids with what they need and want.  And I find that I become really selfish with my time because of that.  But being selfish, even if it's deserved, is never good.  It always leads to more selfishness... more thinking just about myself.  

I feel like I'm always hearing how important it is to fill your cup first, and take care of YOU so you are able take care of others.  I definitely think that is true to an extent.  But I also think that can go too far and can start a cycle of negativity when other people need us, or getting upset when our own time is taken by someone else.  Instead, if we have the mindset that we are going to put others first, then we can start a cycle of unselfishness.  I really need to do better in this area.  I know that my kids will learn more from who I am than what I tell them.  I am so aware of them noticing me.  I notice myself telling them not to do this and that, to be better... but am I modeling that for them?  I don't know.  It is something I want to work on.

The List

There are a few things that make me feel really confident in my mothering- like I'm doing a good job.  And even if everything else doesn't get done- when these get done I can go to sleep in peace.


- Reading scriptures with the kids
- having family prayer all together
- making them a good healthy well-rounded dinner, including dessert
- reading to them from a chapter book
- warm breakfast, healthy bag lunch
- tucking them in at night lovingly
- lots of outside play time


And that's pretty much it.  There are other things I think are important like making them work and hugging and kissing them (of course).  But if that list up there gets done I feel great.  Today it all got done.  Today was a good day.  Somehow I love them more too... when I'm doing my best.  Most nights I go to bed feeling a little bad about something I did, or something I didn't too.  And I know that's just the nature of the job.  But the nights I climb into bed knowing the good stuff got done I feel like I'm on top of the world!  It really is the best job.

I Think I'm Ready to Talk About It

Did you know that it is World Breastfeeding Week this week? Yes it is!

And in honor of it (ha ha) I would like to share my story about how breastfeeding Mack did not work out. And I would like to take this opportunity to applaud all the moms out there who have struggled, and tried, cried, and almost died to breastfeed their child, yet it was not meant to be.

Breastfeeding has always been something I really wanted to do. Yet, it is has always been extremely difficult for me. I could go on and on trying to explain my theories for WHY it has been so difficult for me. But I will spare you the hour long monologue about that.

Bottom line: I have never had enough milk. It runs through parts of my family. I believe it is genetic. And it has been somewhat of a tragedy for me although with time and age I feel myself getting over it just a little bit (I can say that now, you should have seen me three months ago).

Anyway, if you have never struggled with milk supply you have no idea the torture and endless hours and effort that can go into trying to build one. For those of you who don't know, I will tell you what I must do to build a decent (though not full) milk supply:

Nurse the baby every 1-2 hours.

Pump with a double electric, hospital-grade pump for at least 10 full minutes after each and every nursing session.

Swallow 24 large horse pills of herbs 3 times a day. Gagging and choking has occurred.

Take a prescription medication that claims to increase milk supply but could cause depression. (Logan)

Order a prescription drug from an international pharmacy because it is so impossible to get it here in the US! (Mack)

Weigh my baby daily to see if he/she is gaining.

Do the Pump Test (every week or more) to figure out how much I'm making.

Calculate how much extra they need of formula and divide it up to be given to baby after each nursing session.

Begin to use a nursing supplementation system if baby starts to prefer bottle because he/she is smart and knows it's where the good stuff is. (Lexi)

Meet with a lactation consultant multiple times and get no help.

Watch as the lactation consultant begins mixing a bottle of formula to feed your starving/dehydrated baby. (Lexi)

Feel like a failure.

Cry through the whole process.

Through all of these measures I was blessed to get to nurse my 3 oldest children for a time. It got better with each child and I had more milk with each child. When I made it to ten months (with supplementation, of course) with Macey I believed I was amazing and wanted to throw a celebration party!! It was such a good experience with her and I was very excited to have a similar one with Mack.

I was all prepared with my nursing drawer full of: a brand new nursing cover, a brand new nursing pillow, nursing pads, 2 amazing new nursing bras, all of my old bras cleaned and ready, lanolin, soothing pads, herbs, pump bags, etc.

Little did I know.

Apparently, when you lose a lot of blood in delivery and do not have a transfusion, your body has to work extra hard to re-build your blood supply. And apparently, when ones body is working extra hard to re-build a blood supply it cannot, at the same time, build a milk supply.

The problem is, I did not know this, and no one bothered to tell me until 2 weeks into the struggle. The pump test revealed that I was making 1 ounce every 3 hours. "No big deal," thought I, "I can build it up with the strategies I've used before."

The thing is, Mack was born a big boy. And a big boy is a hungry boy. And big, hungry boys are not happy to have one ounce every few hours. So a couple of weeks later when he tasted his first bottle, he fell in love, and fell asleep content.

At that point I knew we had a major problem. In a frantic, emotional moment I sent Dave (bless him) to the hospital to knock on doors and find a Dr. that would help me! I had taken Reglan in the past but wanted Domperidone. I needed a prescription fast. It was the only thing that would save us, once I had figured out my problem, I knew things were going downhill and I was desperate to make it work somehow! My supply, after three weeks, was the same... and every time I tried to nurse, Mack would throw a big screaming fit until I gave in and he got his beloved bottle.

No Dr. would come to my rescue. We ordered the meds from Canada instead. They never came. My body couldn't handle the pressure I was putting it through, and I was losing it. I tried to hang on. It didn't work out. I cried for days and tried to force my poor baby to nurse when he didn't want to. I was a crazy person. But Dave finally talked some sense into me and with prayers and blessings I made the decision to bottle feed, and we made it through.

Mack is still in love with his bottle, but guess what? He loves me too. Nursing was just not meant to be this time around. Once again, I think God was trying to teach me (as he continually does) that my plans aren't always going to work out. That I can't control everything. That I can make it through a detour and come out of it ok. He gave me the baby I wanted so badly and if that baby can't nurse, then he can't nurse, and it just doesn't matter! Life goes on!

Now, I know that every mother in the world has baby struggles. It might be nursing issues, fussiness, exhaustion, depression, whatever. We've all been through the ringer trying to raise these kids we love so much. And although nursing has been heartbreaking for

me, I count my blessings in the fact that I have really happy, easy-going babies, that sleep good almost from the beginning. I count my blessings that my body was able to have another baby and although delivery was not ideal, Mack came out safe and sound. I count my blessings that I get to be a mother and I know that through the hard parts we learn the most.

In the meantime I happen to be an expert at all things breastfeeding because I've had to be, so I feel prepared to help my girls if they need it!! I am also a huge fan of breastfeeding and think every mom should give it a try if she can. It can be so awesome... but if you just can't do it, I totally get that too. I think we all need to support one another through the whole thing. No judging, just understanding.

AND if you want to come over and "shop" in my nursing drawer, I think I'm ready to open it up, put the stuff away, and move on.

Thanks for listening.

Mothers Day 2011

Today is Mothers Day.

I woke up at 7am to get a big breakfast ready for our out of town family coming for the day. I made baked french toast, breakfast casserole, bagels and fruit. I also made pulled pork for sandwiches after church.

I got myself showered and ready. Then the kids and I dressed Mack for his baby blessing. It just worked out that his blessing day was to be on Mother's day. As I dressed him in his little white sweater outfit and the kids and I ooohed and aaahhhhed over how cute he looked, I remembered imagining this day in my head years ago when he was taking his sweet time to come to us. I imagined the feelings I would have hearing my newborn baby being given a name and a blessing.

Today things didn't exactly go the way I had imagined they would. Mack slept all morning and we enjoyed breakfast with family. Then we got to Sacrament meeting and a few minutes before he was to be blessed I felt a warming sensation on my waist. He woke up because he also felt it. He had wet through his diaper and his clothes... his onesie was soaked. He also started to make his little grunting noises and I started to freak out that he might be about to go poopies, something he hasn't done in a day or two and we've been waiting for a big one! Luckily he didn't do that. Dave and I quickly changed his diaper and frantically got his wet onesie o

ff. None of this felt very good to him (obviously) and he started to get fussy. Dave took him up to bless him and he cried... loud.... through the first 30 seconds of the blessing. I had to laugh a little about how things just don't go as planned. I was anticipating this moment so much and there was my sweet baby that had pretty much been asleep for 24 hours prior to this, crying into the microphone. Obviously that makes it hard for the Dad to concentrate so Dave had to cut the blessing short. Then he held little Mack up to the crowd and he let out a big yell so everyone would know he was not happy about the situation!

This experience represents motherhood to me. It never quite goes the way you think it's going to go. You can plan and prepare all you want, but life is full of surprises and disappointments. Every once in awhile things might go even better than you thought they might, but mostly it is a roller coaster of emotions and the only way to get through it is to roll with the punches. "Come what may and love it!" A few years ago I probably would have cried over the wet blessing outfit and shortened blessing. But today I just smiled and truly wasn't surprised things had taken a wrong turn. I think this means I'm getting better at being a mom and I'm glad to know that. I'm glad I can let things go now and not look back with huge disappointment when things don't go the way I imagined.

I'm thankful to be a mom. It is something I wanted to be from the time I was very little. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have the children I have. They are good people and I hope that I'm worthy of them.

I am thankful for my mom. She taught me how to do the job right and gave of her time and energy to give us a good life. She wasn't one to necessarily get down on the floor and play barbies with us. And I'm not really that kind of mom either. But my mom made sure the essential, important things got taught and done. She always had our back and would st

and up to anyone for us. She made sure we were making good choices and if we weren't she was quick to help us change that. She made us a hot breakfast every morning, a sack lunch to take to school, and sent us out the door with a prayer and a hug. She taught us how to work, to follow through on commitments, to be on time, to look for ways to help others. She taught us to say thank you (and write thank you notes!) and to be kind to the downtrodden. She taught us to be honest, and to say yes to serving in the church. She taught us to be obedient, to read the scriptures, and to put family first.

I find myself teaching the same things. I might not sit on the floor with lego's very often (ok, never) but I know everything that goes on in my children's lives and I am 100% committed to teaching them how to live and how to be happy. Most importantly, I love my kids so much. I hope they know it. I hope they feel it in my service to them. I hope they know my heart aches when they are sad and leaps with joy and pride when they're happy and doing well. I hope they know I count them as my greatest blessings.

I have been surrounded my many great women and mothers in my life and I am so glad for their examples and love. Those are my thoughts today. Happy Mother's Day!

(more blessings pictures to come tomorrow)

Another Year Begins...

I can't handle how time is flying. School is here again and my kids are looking bigger and bigger. This year I have a 4th grader, 3rd grader, and Kindergartner. I have to admit I was a teense emotional sending Macey off. She gave me kisses and marched right in, and I just stood in there in shock that all my children are in school now and that they were just three babies not too long ago.

They all had a great first day and I feel SO lucky that they got the teachers they got. They scored big time in that area. I have four hours a day to myself. It will mostly be spent editing photos, exercising, reading, running errands, and preparing for the after school shift. I am excited about it. This year Lexi stays until 2:50 and it has dawned on me that I will have her for only a few precious hours a day between school, soccer, dance and other things. I have to make those hours the best I can! For all three of them. That's my goal.

Definitely Not The Mother of the Year

Today Macey wanted me to play doctor with her. She got her tools ready and told me she would be waiting on the couch. I was about to go to her when my phone rang, I answered it and started talking to my sister. I forgot about Macey. She came in during my phone conversation and mouthed, "what is taking so long? doctor!" ... and I shooed her away.

Twenty minutes later I suddenly remembered, got off of the phone and went searching. I found her on the couch where she had said she would be. She had fallen asleep waiting... with her doctor glove on.

I felt so sad. I had missed the moment. I hate that. I am not a perfect mother but sometimes I really just wish I was. Then there would be no mommy guilt and no neglected children in my house. Sorry Macey.

Goodbye and Good Riddance to January

I cannot handle one more appointment.  I need at least a 4 week break to recover from all of this craziness!

Since Christmas these are the appointments we've had: 

Ear visit for Lexi- found out she had large eardrum hole

hearing test for Lexi- found out she has some hearing loss

follow up ear visit for Lexi- heard and planned surgery options

Eye exam for Lexi- her prescription had doubled in one year, ordered glasses

Pick up Lexi's glasses and have them fitted appointment

Contacts exam for Lexi- 30 minutes of trying to get them in which I hear is pretty good for a first timer

Ear mold visit for Lexi to have special ear plugs made- ordered them

Well baby check up for CC

Dermatologist visit for CC- waited for an hour- found out there is nothing more I can do

Blood drawn visit for CC to determine allergies- YAY got a few answers here

Ortho appointment for Lexi- braces were tightened

Teeth cleaning for me

One visit with family for CC and AJ 45 minutes away

Another visit with family for CC and AJ 25 minutes away

That is just since Christmas people!!  If I have to set one foot inside a Dr. office again I might strangle someone.  I did have a goal to get all of that done this month so I'm glad it's behind me. 

At least Lexi and I had some serious one on one time this month! 

 Macey has been asking for hearing and vision tests. I think she needs some attention.

We have two more appointments on the calendar coming up- a follow up and ordering of contacts for Lexi, and a pick up and fitting for her ear plugs.  Then we are done until March when we have a few more teeth cleanings.  Let's hope we are then done for a long time!  Although just tonight Lexi told me she thinks she has an ear infection again.  I tried to pretend I didn't hear her.  I'll deal with it in the morning, when I'm "fresh."

One more thing... there is a stranger in my house.  Dave got glasses and I need to get to know him all over again.  Is this the man I married?  Are you allowed to just go and change so much? I think he looks cute, but different.  And I feel uncomfortable for him.  I could never have something sitting on my nose 24/7 but he likes them and prefers them over the contacts he tried out last year.

(my new nerdy boyfriend)

Do They Look Like Me At All?

The responsibility mothers have today has never required more vigilance. More than at any time in the history of the world, we need mothers who know. Children are being born into a world where they “wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places” (Ephesians 6:12).1 However, mothers need not fear. When mothers know who they are and who God is and have made covenants with Him, they will have great power and influence for good on their children. Julie Beck (General Relief Society President)

There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family.  M. Russell Ballard

How important it is to focus on the things that can only be done in a particular season of life. If a child lives with parents for 18 or 19 years, that span is only one-fourth of a parent’s life. And the most formative time of all, the early years in a child’s life, represents less than one-tenth of a parent’s normal life. It is crucial to focus on our children for the short time we have them with us and to seek, with the help of the Lord, to teach them all we can before they leave our homes.  M. Russell Ballard

 The joy of motherhood comes in moments. There will be hard times and frustrating times. But amid the challenges, there are shining moments of joy and satisfaction.  M. Russell Ballard

"The biggest mistake I made [as a parent] is the one that most of us make. … I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of [my three children] sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages six, four, and one. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less”  Anna Quindlen

“Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind. It places her who honors its holy calling and service next to the angels. (first presidency lds church)

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Remembering

One year ago today I sent my kids off to school and drove down to Walnut Creek with my little Macey. She was going to spend the morning at Grandma's house while I went to my first appointment with the new high-risk pregnancy doctor I'd been assigned to.

I was nervous to see someone new. I would miss my infertility doctor who had become my friend- I just love her.

I dropped Macey off, and as I drove downtown I offered another thank you prayer to my Heavenly Father. These thank you prayers had become an hourly ritual. Every time I felt any sort of pregnancy symptom I offered one. Thank you for letting it happen for me again. Thank you for helping us find out what was wrong. Thank you for my Doctors who are treating me. Thank you that I get another chance at motherhood. Thank you for this sweet little baby. Oh and please keep my baby healthy and strong. And please help me to be brave when I get my shot each night. And please help me to always remember how lucky I am.

I walked into the freezing cold hospital, catching a glimpse of myself in the reflection of the window. I couldn't believe I was showing already! I was thrilled to see my little round belly.

The receptionist handed me the paperwork and I began to fill it out. The bottom of the form read, "please list all pregnancies." I listed six. Three to full term, 2 miscarriages, and one going strong! Six pregnancies... if I had anymore I would have to turn the page over and finish listing on the back.

I had already heard and seen my baby's heartbeat 2 times. It was music to my ears. After losing 2 little babies through miscarriage in the last year and a half, having a surgery, and enduring way too many intrusive measures to remember, I was finally pregnant again. We had taken care of every problem they had found, and were treating the last problem with medication, so I felt 100% safe. I was the happiest girl around. And the most unsuspecting. If only I had realized that the risk was just as great as it had been before... maybe I would have been prepared.

The nurse called my name and I walked back to the room and changed into the paper thin robe. The Doctor came in and we started chatting right way. She was friendly and I was excited.

As soon as my baby's little figure came up on the screen I felt that something was wrong. My heart started to pound and my body started to quiver. I turned my head up toward the ceiling and closed my eyes. Just wait... calm down... everything will be fine.

The Doctor stopped chatting and looked too closely at the screen as the ultra sound wand moved around, searching. I waited.... and waited...

I couldn't stand the silence any longer. "I'm not seeing the heartbeat there... "I said casually, "um, is everything ok?"

"Let me just finish these measurements and we'll see."

Clicking.

Wait.

Heart pounding.

She searches.

Nothing.

Searches some more. She really searches.

Quietly she says what I already know,"I'm not seeing the heartbeat..."

I cover my face with my hands and break down.

She stops the ultrasound and awkwardly places a hand on my leg while my body convulses in sobs.

I can't believe my baby is gone.

I'm lying on a table, in a robe, with a stranger patting my leg, and my baby is gone.

I want to freeze time and do something to save it! My baby's heart was just there 7 days ago!

Are you sure it's not there? Check again!!!

But it's too late.

She steps out of the room and I sit there crying, and staring at the little ultra sound picture- the last glimpse of my baby that I'll have for awhile.

Dave rushes to the hospital to rescue me.

We meet with the high risk Doctor who does not check the baby again and immediately schedules a D&C for the next day.

Not fair.

I just want my baby. I just want my life to go back to what it was 30 minutes ago. How can everything end in 30 minutes? How could this happen to me again?

2 hours later I walk out of that same hospital door a different person. Little did I know those moments in time would change me, change my life. That those moments would stay inside my head and come back to me when I tried to sleep. I still can't think about those moments in that room without crying.

But one year later I'm a stronger person. My baby had to leave so I could grow. And I grew. I grew up. I learned what life is about and although it's not fun, it's necessary. And it can still be fun, and it can still be happy, but always with a little pinch of heartache for the heartbeat that wasn't there.

I still say my ritual thank you prayers. Thank you for my family. Thank you for my three children. The three that I can hug, and kiss, and hold. And thank you for the three that are gone. Maybe someday I'll get to hug, and kiss, and hold them too. Thank you for what I've learned. Thank you for the comfort I felt. Thank you for helping me to get through it. Please help me to learn more, but maybe in a different way? Can this trial end now? Can I have a baby to bring me hope again? I trust you, and I'll take what comes, and I won't let it beat me. And I guess for now I'll just keep working on my patience.

My New Plan for Peace

(bad mom)

The Quotes below are from leaders of my church. I'm obsessed with this subject.

"Don’t overschedule yourselves or your children. We live in a world that is filled with options. If we are not careful, we will find every minute jammed with social events, classes, exercise time, book clubs, scrapbooking, Church callings, music, sports, the Internet, and our favorite TV shows. One mother told me of a time that her children had 29 scheduled commitments every week: music lessons, Scouts, dance, Little League, day camps, soccer, art, and so forth.Families need unstructured time when relationships can deepen and real parenting can take place. Take time to listen, to laugh, and to play together."

"In choosing how we spend time as a family, we should be careful not to exhaust our available time on things that are merely good and leave little time for that which is better or best. A friend took his young family on a series of summer vacation trips, including visits to memorable historic sites. At the end of the summer he asked his teenage son which of these good summer activities he enjoyed most. The father learned from the reply, and so did those he told of it. “The thing I liked best this summer,” the boy replied, “was the night you and I laid on the lawn and looked at the stars and talked.” Super family activities may be good for children, but they are not always better than one-on-one time with a loving parent."

"The amount of children-and-parent time absorbed in the good activities of private lessons, team sports, and other school and club activities also needs to be carefully regulated. Otherwise, children will be over-scheduled, and parents will be frazzled and frustrated. Parents should act to preserve time for family prayer, family scripture study, family home evening, and the other precious togetherness and individual one-on-one time that binds a family together and fixes children’s values on things of eternal worth. Parents should teach gospel priorities through what they do with their children."

"Family experts have warned against what they call “the overscheduling of children.” In the last generation children are far busier and families spend far less time together. Among many measures of this disturbing trend are the reports that structured sports time has doubled, but children’s free time has declined by 12 hours per week, and unstructured outdoor activities have fallen by 50 percent."

The reason I am obsessed with this is because I have come to realize that I feel angry, unhappy, and frazzled when we are over-scheduled. When I am angry, unhappy and frazzled my kids feel it, and it changes the whole mood of our family into a negative one!

I don't want to be over-scheduled! But in this day and age it is a constant battle not to be. Everyone else is doing it. I need to work on saying no, and on learning what my kids really need in their little lives. It is definitely not another lesson, sport, or party (too bad I just rsvp'd for another one today!) It doesn't seem like it should be hard to choose peace and tranquility, but it is.

My plan to get more "at home family time:"

- Plan ahead better. If I would sit down with my calendar every Sunday night and plan the week, we wouldn't be running around quite as much. I could choose what to yes to, and what to say no to, and make sure we get the good stuff in. My friend Celia is good at this and I am going to start doing it better.

-Get ready to leave early. I used to be really good at this. If we had to be somewhere at 4pm I would start getting everyone ready at 3:30- find shoes, pack snacks, get their gear, whatever. Now I tend to get busy doing stuff at home and then start yelling at everyone to get their shoes and gear 10 minutes before we're supposed to be there! Then someone, inevitably, cannot find their stuff and we become frantic and upset. Then we're a few minutes late for our event and my heart palpitates. That's very bad. I'm going to start getting ready early again.

-Get rid of junk. It's hard to have peaceful at home time when I see messes everywhere and want to clean them up instead of doing something meaningful with my kids. I'm so over toys and I am going to be doing an enormous summer clean out project in the next few weeks. Why do we need so much stuff? Anyone want mine? I'm done with it.

- "Just say no" to extra stuff that we can't do! If I haven't had a day or two a week to be at home with my kids doing nothing, then I'm going to just say no to whatever else comes up. Easier said than done I'm sure, but it's worth a try.


What else should I do?




Please advise.

(good mom)

Mothers

I have lots of spiritual things on my mind lately so beware.

With Mother's Day fast approaching I've been thinking about Mothers and the role of motherhood.

I am obsessed with it.

I can't believe that we are given the most wonderful, amazing gift and blessing to be a mother.

That God trusts us that much!

I also can't believe that we only have a very short time frame in which to bear children.

I'm turning 30 this year and realize I have some years left, but still, I feel my clock ticking, especially because things aren't working for me as fast as I would like them to.

It seems that as soon as you've had a couple of kids and you feel like you're getting the whole pregnancy/baby thing down, that your time is up and your chance is over.

Then you move on to different stages of life, and mothering in a different way.

I'm sure those stages will be wonderful, but for now I can't get it out my head how wonderful the stage that I've just been through is.

I'm afraid I'm going to miss it so much when it's over.

I'm afraid I'll never feel like I got enough of it.

Lots of my thoughts these days are centered on how I can get myself a baby.

Sometimes I feel so desperate I want to scream.

Other times I feel more calm but have secret day dreams about people I love dying and giving me their baby.

Every time I see a young-looking woman that's pregnant I think about asking her if she wants her baby, and if not, can I have it?

Can you imagine if I really did that?

Sometimes I feel a bit crazy inside.

Other times I feel peaceful and know that things will work out eventually. It will never work out the way I wanted it. I'm working on wanting what HE wants. Aligning my will, if you will.

Most days my will aligns and I am happy.

Every day I feel blessed to have the 3 children that are mine.

Every day I remember the 3 little ones I lost. They are mine too and I am thankful for them.

I wish I had cherished every moment of pregnancy and birth and nursing.

I wish I had realized how quickly that time of life slips by.

I wish I had squeezed a few more babies in between the ones I have before my uterus gave up on me.

But there's no sense in wishing.

I am so thankful to be a mom.

I feel everyday the responsibility that I have to these little children. To teach them and protect them.

But really just to love them. Loving them is the most important thing.

I hope I am doing it right.

Most nights I go to bed worrying that I'm not doing it right.

But I know just doing your best is right enough.

I read a post awhile back that stuck in my head and has stayed there permanently.

The post is here.

It's about how "we can do hard things."

How the women who've gone before us have done hard things and are now cheering us on!

I like to think about my great-grandma's and my grandma's and my mom and all the women who have gone before me. I think of all that they went through. What I've gone through is nothing in comparison!

They did their hard things, and now I can do mine.

When I think about that, it gives me courage and makes me feel powerful.

It makes me a better mom.

I love motherhood and will always be grateful I was given this gift.

Nothing in the world compares to it.

spring 2006

Micro-management is Bad

Thanks everyone for your help and ideas on the last post. I had to hide it for obvious reasons but my brother LOVED it!! I'll will update you in January.

I almost always like what John Rosemond (the parenting guy) says, and today when I checked in on his website I saw that he wrote about something that I've been trying work on with my kids! So I must share with you.


John says, "Regardless of where they are found, "micro-managers" create tense environments where conflict, deceit, and disloyalty are the inevitable outcomes."

He also says that when we micro-manage our children we give them the message that they are not capable enough to handle even minor responsibilities.

I am working on this. I think self-esteem comes when a child feels that they can do things for themselves. When they feel like they are "capable" and can handle "big person" tasks! It is so much easier to do everything for your children (a.k.a. micro-manage them) instead of letting them learn how to do it on their own!

Especially since my 3 kids are all close in age I tend to lump them all together and do everything the same with all of them. I'm trying to remember that Lexi is almost 7 and can do a lot for herself. I'm trying not to micro-manage her as much as I used to have to when she was little. I'm trying to treat her more like the big girl that she is!

For example, making lunch for school every morning. If your children can do it for themselves, why not let them? My kids can do this at night right before bed so I need to let them.

Recently I swallowed my controlling instincts and let Lexi make a batch of cookies ALL BY HERSELF. She did a great job, didn't get burned, and cleaned up the mess pretty well. She read all of the instructions on the recipe and went for it! I sat at the table making jewelry and it was grand. Especially when I got to eat the cookies afterward having not lifted a finger.

Also, I've been having her carry the dry laundry upstairs and fold it. Yes, things might be a teense wrinkled but it is AWESOME for me to do one less batch, and Lexi loves it! She pretends that she is a mom the whole time and thinks she is so cool. How long will that last?

So, for a controlling person like me, these are baby steps and I am proud of them. Just thought I'd share what I'm working on. Lots of times I totally believe in a concept but have a hard time following through and doing it! So when I do, I'm happy. The end.

Tired

FULL STORY ADDED BELOW!!!

I just finished a big Church Enrichment night so I am way too tired to think about blogging. Dave is on the phone right now with an old friend.

And my heart feels a little broken!

You want to know why? Well, tonight, while I was at the church thing, Dave took the kids to the Swim Team Awards night. Just now when I went into their room to peek at them, I see a big old trophy and 6 medals on Lexi's dresser. Nothing on Logan's. I feel like crying. If he even didn't get anything I am going to crazy on the swim team people!!!! What ever happened to a trophy for trying your best and almost drowning every day???!?!?!?!?!? Participation awards maybe??!?! When Dave gets off the phone, I'll get the full story and I'll let you know. I really hope that maybe Logan got all those same medals and trophies as Lexi, but just didn't care about them so they're in the car or something. I really hope that's what happened. Cause if he had to sit through an awards night and watch his sis get tons and he got nothing?? Well, like I just said, I'm going to be extremely mad.

Good night!




ADDITION:

Ok, so, I found out the whole story and I cried for an hour last night. I know it sounds totally dumb but, of course, since I wasn't there at the awards night, I kept imagining the worst. I kept imagining all the kids getting up over and over to receive their medals and Logan only getting the one. Well, he did only get one measly medal for participation. And it is a really good thing Dave was there and not me. I probably would have cried in front of everyone including Logan which would not have been good.

I've read and been told that you should never feel sorry for your child because they will feel it and then they'll grow up feeling sorry for themselves. So this morning I congratulated Lexi and Logan. Logan told me he didn't get a trophy. So I asked him if he was sad about it or if he was o.k. with it.

He said, "I'm ok with it, mom. I just kept thinking, 'there's always next year!'"

And then I had to hide my face since I almost cried again. I know I'm silly but I felt proud of him for being mature about it and having a positive attitude. He gets that from his dad. I know if I had been there and been all upset he would have seen it and then felt that way too. But Dave explained to him that he was racing against all kids that were older than him (he was the youngest) and Lexi was swimming against younger kids. Logan understood that and knows that next year he'll be at the top of his age group. SO ANYWAY! My heart is still a little broken but I'm fine and most importantly, Logan is fine.

I guess little disappointments build character BUT I still don't think they need disappointments of this magnitude until they are older. I would rather have had this happen to him when he was 10 or something!

Somehow I need to figure out how deal with the problem we are having with Lexi being too good at everything and how Logan compares himself with her because they are so close in age. Lexi scores goals in soccer every game and Logan hasn't scored yet (which is fine, it's his first year!!!) and Lexi won an award the first month of school and Logan didn't (does that matter? No, but Logan sees Lexi getting it and then wonders why he didn't), and then, Lexi wins tons or ribbons, medals and a trophy for swimming and Logan just gets one. It is hard and I'm not sure what to do. I'm proud of Lexi ,of course, but I just would rather everything could be equal which I know is not realistic BUT it would make my life easier. I want to maybe find something that Logan can do all by himself , something Lexi doesn't do at all and can be HIS thing. And maybe I shouldn't have them doing all of the same things.

WOW, I am rambling. Those are my problems. Thanks for the comments. Have a good day!