Some Good Reads

A few years ago when I was going through secondary infertility and recurring miscarriages I used to write about it on my blog.  I still get emails from people asking me or telling me that a post hit home to them.  I'm glad my archives are there for those that might be looking for comfort or someone to relate to.  I was emailing someone a few conference talks that meant a lot to me during those years (and still do) and it occurred to me that I should post them on my blog in case someone else could benefit.  

So here they are along with a few fave quotes from each.  Maybe I've posted them on the blog before, I can't remember.  Each title is a link.

The Refiners Fire

"Here then is a great truth. In the pain, the agony, and the heroic endeavors of life, we pass through a refiner’s fire, and the insignificant and the unimportant in our lives can melt away like dross and make our faith bright, intact, and strong. In this way the divine image can be mirrored from the soul. It is part of the purging toll exacted of some to become acquainted with God. In the agonies of life, we seem to listen better to the faint, godly whisperings of the Divine Shepherd."- 

(This is so true!  When things are going well we aren't as in tune and we don't rely on the Lord as much as we should.  The refiners fire is an interesting subject that I love to learn about).

"Into every life there come the painful, despairing days of adversity and buffeting. There seems to be a full measure of anguish, sorrow, and often heartbreak for everyone, including those who earnestly seek to do right and be faithful. The thorns that prick, that stick in the flesh, that hurt, often change lives which seem robbed of significance and hope. This change comes about through a refining process which often seems cruel and hard. In this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master in building lives of faith, usefulness, beauty, and strength. For some, the refiner’s fire causes a loss of belief and faith in God, but those with eternal perspective understand that such refining is part of the perfection process."

The Timing of the Lord

"How fundamentally different my life is than I had sought to plan! My professional life has changed. My personal life has changed. But the commitment I made to the Lord—to put Him first in my life and to be ready for whatever He would have me do—has carried me through these changes of eternal importance."

“The issue for us is trusting God enough to trust also His timing. If we can truly believe He has our welfare at heart, may we not let His plans unfold as He thinks best?

(This one has some tangents but the main idea- the Lord's timing- is so good.  I love Elder Oaks examples that he shares of how his life is so different than he planned but you can feel his faith come through it.)

Claim the Exceedingly Great and Precious promises

This one was given in conference one month after my third miscarriage when I didn't know if I was going to survive the trial (sounds dramatic I know).  I love how he talks about how the Lord keeps his promises if we are obedient, and how this life is not the end of our journey but just a part of it.  And of course I love the part "and God remembered Rachel"- it gave me so much hope when I needed it.  And to hear a leader of the church speak from the pulpit about infertility was huge for me- and exactly what I needed when I needed it.

I know God knows us each individually and knows what we are going through that is difficult, painful and sad.  He has promised us so much and we just have to be patient.  He wants to give us what is best for us and we can only trust Him. 

During our infertility/miscarriage years we did 4 IUI's and months of clomid that never worked or resulted in miscarriage (I had three).  After four years I decided to give up trying so hard and we did foster care instead.  A year later our foster babies left us and I had no idea what to do next so I went on two vacations and we got pregnant with Mack in between those.  At my first appointment my doctor told me Mack was a miscarriage (there was blood showing in my uterus on the ultra sound and no heart beat or fetal pole to be found) and told me to go home and wait it out.  He handed me a brochure on miscarriage and said good luck.  Ten days later I went back to the doctor.  I hadn't miscarried yet and that day we saw Mack's tiny little heart beating strongly.  Seven months later he was in my arms.  I believe in miracles!

If there are readers of my blog who are struggling with this please don't give up or let anger and bitterness take over.  God has a plan for you.  It may not be what you think it will be.  But I know that we must taste the bitter to know the sweet.  And the sweet is worth it.  It's worth the bitter.  It is sweeter than you imagined it would be.  And at the end of a trial (if there is an end, if not you'll have to discover this in the middle) you are a better and stronger person.  You have changed in ways that you never would have changed had you not suffered.  It is hard and long and painful but it is not for nothing.  Feel free to email me if you ever want to talk!

Love,

Denae

Infertility, Foster care, Adoption: Words I Never Imagined Would Be Part Of My Life

I want to share some of my thoughts about foster care and adoption and how my life is going in the direction I know it is supposed to be going.

We've struggled with infertility now for 3.5 looong years. It has been a difficult road. One of the hardest parts has been struggling to decide about adoption. It took both Dave and I awhile to get our minds even thinking in that direction. For so long it was all about trying for our own baby and trying to find out what is wrong with my body that makes me lose my babies. We spent a lot of money and a lot of time in that frame of mind. I had to "know" for sure that I had done all that I could.

We would occasionally bring up the subject of adoption but one of us was never quite there. Sometimes it was Dave who would have concerns, sometimes it was me who would feel scared. The main issue was money and debt, but there were other fears too. We prayed about it a lot and we did everything we would normally do, as far as religion goes, to get an answer from God about what is best for our family. That answer just kept eluding us. Finally in January or February of this year we had an experience that opened our hearts up completely and we both finally (at the same time) felt right about adoption. We pretty much started working on the paperwork the next day. We flew through the process and were signed up ready to get picked with lds services the next month. We were excited and we felt peace.

Shortly after that our foster license came through and CC came to our home. It was the hardest thing we have ever done in our married life together and the hardest thing I have ever done in my whole life! But it was so rewarding and I felt the spirit in my life and in our home more. This little baby needed a lot of love and we were able to give her that and see her blossom.

We missed her when she left.

A short time later through a series of events we were in contact with another adoption agency. Our profile was shown a few times but in order for us to go forward and potentially be picked by a birth mom we needed to submit a scrapbook of our family and some serious cash. This was hard for Dave and I to feel peace about. We knew we wanted to adopt but the cash was a huge wall. Things are tight right now for a lot of people including us. We went back and forth, we prayed, we pondered and we finally decided that our answer was to just go for it. To take a leap of faith and see what came of it. We figured the money would work out eventually. But to tell you the truth, both of us were really scared about it. We didn't feel completely right but we were kinda stuck so decided to do it... knowing of course that we would never regret it.

So I worked on our family scrapbook and we figured out a plan to raise the cash. About a month later we had it ready to go. I got all of our paperwork and pictures into an envelope and was planning the very next day to go and get a cashier's check to mail with the package. Late that afternoon we got a call from the county that CC was being removed from her mom and needed a home to go to again.

I said yes and I even told them we'd take her baby brother that was due to be born the next month if they needed us to. I called Dave and he was really excited. We both felt really good about it even though we knew it was going to be a lot of work again!

She is here now and I have felt huge amounts of peace and confidence that we did the right thing. We can't go forward with the adoption agency since we have CC now (and maybe her little brother in awhile), but I have not once regretted it, and I feel a lot of relief. I know without a doubt that CC was the answer to our prayers.

When she left the first time we waited and waited for a call from the county that another baby needed our home. That call just would not come! I was frustrated. Now I know that Heavenly Father kept our home open because he knew CC was going to need it again. I love her so much. She is part of our family and everyday I am thankful as she gets more and more comfortable and more and more trusting. She is blossoming again and it is a miracle to see it everyday.

I don't know what will come of this. I don't know if this means we will be her family forever. I do know that nothing is a coincidence and that God is in the details of our lives. Have I said this before? It feels like I have because I am always thinking it. Everyday I see the hand of God in our family's life and in the life of this sweet little baby. He loves each of us. He knows our needs, He knows our hearts and our heart-aches. He prepares a way for His will to be accomplished.

The best thing that has happened to me in the last 3.5 years is I have learned to trust Him completely with my life. "When God closes a door, He always opens a window" (Froline Maria, Sound of Music).

There have been a lot of windows opened in my life since the door of having a baby was closed. I can say today that I am at peace with whatever turn my life will take. If I never "bear" another baby it will be painful but I know I will be strengthened and carried through it. If CC has to leave us, it will be painful (again) but I will know it is the will of God and I know I'll be carried through that too. It is out of my hands. I know He has a plan for CC's life and for my life. If I am blessed to adopt her (which we are hoping for) and maybe her baby brother too, I will be thrilled and will know that this was why the window of foster care was opened in my life.

I'm thankful for answered prayers and unexpected twists and turns in the journey of my life.

Bottom line: "Come what may and love it."

I can finally say "Thy will be done" and really, truly mean it... and it feels great!

Why Clomid is the Devil

(I may appear nice in the picture. Do not be deceived)

It causes you to have:

Random bursts of extreme anger
Rage
Frustration over extremely little things
Anxiety- the stomach hurting kind
Insomnia- five nights in a row this time around with next to no sleep
Yelling- comes out of your mouth and you have no control nor do you know what you're saying and why
Hot Flashes
Occasional dizziness
Moodiness- ups and downs all over the place- very unpredictable behavior

Along with clomid we're on our third IUI (with injections). I feel relieved that I am taking a long break from treatments starting next month. Hopefully I can go back to my old self and enjoy life without feeling like I'm going to explode. Or feeling like my life is one big frustrating puzzle that I can't solve.

Hopefully our foster care license will kick in during our treatment break. Our license was postponed in December because of the state budget issues and lots of social workers losing their jobs. Including ours. So we're being passed on to someone else. That someone else is probably overloaded with lots of other work since all the work there is to be done is now being done by less people. Supposedly the license should come by the end of January and then we'll be ready to go. It's been a long process and I am extremely excited (but trying not to think about it) that it is almost complete.

Delightful Denae will not let infertility ruin her life.

You see, I happen to know that God has a plan for me. Some days I get really mad and almost forget that I know. But really I can't forget. Because really, I know. How do I know? I'll tell you.

When I had my 3rd miscarriage last September I was thrown. I cried for weeks. In the midst of that crying I started to come up with a plan. I'm that type of person. I have to have a plan.

I needed three questions answered by God.

They were:

1. Will I ever have another baby?

2. What do you want me to learn?

3. What do you want me to do with my life in the meantime if I can't have babies?

I decided I would pray, write, and read my scriptures all day every day until I got my answers. Well, my first answer came and it was... "be patient... the answers will come on God's time not yours." Ok-dokey.

So, I kept up with my part and waited. Slowly, and at the most unexpected times, the answers to my questions came. They really came and I knew that God knew me and knew what I needed to know. Can I pretend that didn't happen? Of course not.

Time went on and I was having hard days again. I made another plan and really dedicated myself to obtaining a lasting feeling of peace. I had my answers but I still felt so sad.

Then one day, peace came. It came because I prayed for it. It came right after a really hard few days. It came when I really, really needed it. It was overwhelming and amazing. Once I had it, it stayed with me. It was really, really strong at first. Over time it has lessened a bit but I will never forget that gift from a loving Heavenly Father to His (desperate) daughter in need.

Now when the hard days come, when I start to get all panicky about my fertility and my future, when I start to desire a baby so bad I want to steal one, I always look back to that day when the peace came. I remember what a gift it was. It changed my life to know that God loves me that much and will bless me with peace when I thought my heart would feel broken forever! He really can heal us! What a relief to know we don't have to always feel heartbroken over our struggles, sins, missed opportunities, losses. God will give us peace if we ask for it.

The point of this post is to say this: I know God loves all of us, each individually. Our prayers are not always answered the way we want them to be. BUT in the midst of pain, sadness and struggle He is there. I know it and I can't deny it. As mad as I might get, as frustrated as I might get, as impatient as I always am, I know that this is what God wants for me at this time, and he will give me strength to bear it.


WAIT
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, 'Child, you must wait'.
'Wait? You say, wait! ' my indignant reply.
'Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By Faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.
My future and all to which I can relate
hangs in the balance, and YOU tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
And Lord, You promised that if we believe
we need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, 'You must wait.'
So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
and grumbled to God, 'So, I'm waiting.... for what?'
He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
And he tenderly said, 'I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.
All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want But, you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint;
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence were all you could see.
You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save.... (for a start),
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.
You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for Thee.'
Yes, your dreams overnight would come true,
But, Oh, the Loss! If I lost what I'm doing in you!
So, be silent, My Child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, 'WAIT.'

(author unknown)

Longest Post Ever

I have a lot to say, so get comfy.

I have 2 new nephews! My little brother Devin and his wife Kim had their first- a baby boy. You can see him here. Also my sister adopted another baby- a boy too! You can see him here. There have been so many babies lately! My cousin Lesley just had her 2nd- a baby girl. I would send you over to see her but their blog is private. Also my good friend Mindy had her 4th boy- see him here. All of these babies make me that much more baby hungry! I will see 3 of these new ones in about a month so I'm hoping to steal them away from their moms and get my fix.


In other news, Grandma Susie came for a visit. She brought a special bag of earth and she and the kids got to go through it and search for rocks and gems. They found some pretty ones. My kids loved it. They had such a good time and could've spent hours doing another bag. Thanks Susie.














Ok, enough small talk. This is what is really going on. I'll find out next week if our last fertility treatment worked. I've been doing treatments since January. This is our last try because 1. we can't afford it anymore and 2. they won't let me do more for now. I am not really a candidate for IVF because my real problem is miscarriage (not that we could afford IVF anyway, hello). So, we have to be done for awhile. I thought I'd be fine with not so many appointments and not so much invasion, but really I am not fine. I can't believe it just isn't working for us! I can't believe even if it does work this time I could have another loss and start all over. Everyday I pray that I won't go crazy, because when you can't control your life, you feel a teense crazy. I'm still so surprised that this is my problem. I should be used to it by now. Sometimes when I'm sitting at the park and everyone is taking care of their babies, I don't even know what to do with my hands or my mind. I can just sit there and do nothing... but I want to be doing something! My kids run around and they don't need me. It's just so weird. I don't want this to be the rest of my life. If it keeps going on I'm only going to be able to be friends with menopausal age women, I guess.


With all of those thoughts I feel even more excited to start foster care. We have done 1 pride class so far and are doing our second one this Sat. After that we have to have our home inspection done, fingerprints, CPR class etc. But we've met with our social worker and we've both had our physicals and TB tests.


This weekend I am meeting up with a friend of mine that I haven't seen since probably the year 2000! I am excited.


Oh, I have one more thing to say. So, my Logan is a good reader BUT he didn't love to read for fun like Lexi does. So I've been trying to find some books he could get into. I got him a few- one about a hamster. Some Junie B. Jones. Also Magic Tree House. He rejected them all! Then it came to me. In a moment of revelation I realized how obsessed Logan is with anything just a little bit scary. SO I checked him out a couple of books involving pirates, ghosts, skeleton detectives etc. They are little kid mysteries and he loves them. He's been reading constantly. Then the other day I was going through our bookshelf and found one of Dave's old Calvin and Hobbes Books. So I put it on Logan's bed and he's been reading it everynight before he falls asleep. I can hear him laughing out loud to himself and it's so cute. I'm a genius.


Nothing warms my heart like seeing my children reading a book to themselves.


Happy Friday!

My Revelation

Most of the time I just get mini-revelations. Then some days, every once in a long while, I get a really good bigger revelation. Lots of times I am self-conscious of my revelations because others may have gotten the same one, but WAY before me and I don't want to seem slow or anything.

But this one I want to share.

For a long time I've been contemplating why bad things happen to good people and God doesn't make it go away, Or why God doesn't give us things we want that are really, really good.

Like it's not like I'm asking for more money so I can buy more clothes and a bigger house or get plastic surgery (those would be bad things to ask for and I would totally understand Him NOT giving me that.)

And it's not like I'm asking for a trip to Europe, or a new car, or for my cat to run away, or even for my hair to stop turning gray.

I'm asking for a baby. A baby to be born into a happy family, with a mom and dad who love each other and who would love him... and take him to church, and let him go to school and college, and love him, and teach him good stuff, and give him brothers and sisters and grandma's and grandpa's and cousins, and love him, and hug and kiss him all day long. A baby. That is a good something to ask for.

So why does God not always give us the good things we want?

My answer came this week. It was almost as if John Rosemond said it himself! But I know who it really came from.

The answer came in the form of a question that I have often asked myself.... "why don't I give my children everything they want??" And my answer to myself in the past has always been , "because it builds character." Children who have everything they've ever wanted are spoiled, ungrateful, selfish, and always seeking instant gratification. Wanting something that you can't have, or that you have to really work or wait for, makes you stronger and better somehow.

And it's so true. I wish I had learned it earlier. It's the first answer to this question that has really made sense to me. I am simply a child being taught to grow by a loving parent who wants me to be better and stronger than I would be if I got everything I wanted when I wanted it.

Do I like this answer? No, but throwing fits doesn't work for my kids and it hasn't worked for me so far!! I just need to be patient and try to learn the things He wants me to learn. And in the meantime maybe ask for something smaller like for that package I'm waiting for to come in the mail soon.