I Think I'm Ready to Talk About It

Did you know that it is World Breastfeeding Week this week? Yes it is!

And in honor of it (ha ha) I would like to share my story about how breastfeeding Mack did not work out. And I would like to take this opportunity to applaud all the moms out there who have struggled, and tried, cried, and almost died to breastfeed their child, yet it was not meant to be.

Breastfeeding has always been something I really wanted to do. Yet, it is has always been extremely difficult for me. I could go on and on trying to explain my theories for WHY it has been so difficult for me. But I will spare you the hour long monologue about that.

Bottom line: I have never had enough milk. It runs through parts of my family. I believe it is genetic. And it has been somewhat of a tragedy for me although with time and age I feel myself getting over it just a little bit (I can say that now, you should have seen me three months ago).

Anyway, if you have never struggled with milk supply you have no idea the torture and endless hours and effort that can go into trying to build one. For those of you who don't know, I will tell you what I must do to build a decent (though not full) milk supply:

Nurse the baby every 1-2 hours.

Pump with a double electric, hospital-grade pump for at least 10 full minutes after each and every nursing session.

Swallow 24 large horse pills of herbs 3 times a day. Gagging and choking has occurred.

Take a prescription medication that claims to increase milk supply but could cause depression. (Logan)

Order a prescription drug from an international pharmacy because it is so impossible to get it here in the US! (Mack)

Weigh my baby daily to see if he/she is gaining.

Do the Pump Test (every week or more) to figure out how much I'm making.

Calculate how much extra they need of formula and divide it up to be given to baby after each nursing session.

Begin to use a nursing supplementation system if baby starts to prefer bottle because he/she is smart and knows it's where the good stuff is. (Lexi)

Meet with a lactation consultant multiple times and get no help.

Watch as the lactation consultant begins mixing a bottle of formula to feed your starving/dehydrated baby. (Lexi)

Feel like a failure.

Cry through the whole process.

Through all of these measures I was blessed to get to nurse my 3 oldest children for a time. It got better with each child and I had more milk with each child. When I made it to ten months (with supplementation, of course) with Macey I believed I was amazing and wanted to throw a celebration party!! It was such a good experience with her and I was very excited to have a similar one with Mack.

I was all prepared with my nursing drawer full of: a brand new nursing cover, a brand new nursing pillow, nursing pads, 2 amazing new nursing bras, all of my old bras cleaned and ready, lanolin, soothing pads, herbs, pump bags, etc.

Little did I know.

Apparently, when you lose a lot of blood in delivery and do not have a transfusion, your body has to work extra hard to re-build your blood supply. And apparently, when ones body is working extra hard to re-build a blood supply it cannot, at the same time, build a milk supply.

The problem is, I did not know this, and no one bothered to tell me until 2 weeks into the struggle. The pump test revealed that I was making 1 ounce every 3 hours. "No big deal," thought I, "I can build it up with the strategies I've used before."

The thing is, Mack was born a big boy. And a big boy is a hungry boy. And big, hungry boys are not happy to have one ounce every few hours. So a couple of weeks later when he tasted his first bottle, he fell in love, and fell asleep content.

At that point I knew we had a major problem. In a frantic, emotional moment I sent Dave (bless him) to the hospital to knock on doors and find a Dr. that would help me! I had taken Reglan in the past but wanted Domperidone. I needed a prescription fast. It was the only thing that would save us, once I had figured out my problem, I knew things were going downhill and I was desperate to make it work somehow! My supply, after three weeks, was the same... and every time I tried to nurse, Mack would throw a big screaming fit until I gave in and he got his beloved bottle.

No Dr. would come to my rescue. We ordered the meds from Canada instead. They never came. My body couldn't handle the pressure I was putting it through, and I was losing it. I tried to hang on. It didn't work out. I cried for days and tried to force my poor baby to nurse when he didn't want to. I was a crazy person. But Dave finally talked some sense into me and with prayers and blessings I made the decision to bottle feed, and we made it through.

Mack is still in love with his bottle, but guess what? He loves me too. Nursing was just not meant to be this time around. Once again, I think God was trying to teach me (as he continually does) that my plans aren't always going to work out. That I can't control everything. That I can make it through a detour and come out of it ok. He gave me the baby I wanted so badly and if that baby can't nurse, then he can't nurse, and it just doesn't matter! Life goes on!

Now, I know that every mother in the world has baby struggles. It might be nursing issues, fussiness, exhaustion, depression, whatever. We've all been through the ringer trying to raise these kids we love so much. And although nursing has been heartbreaking for

me, I count my blessings in the fact that I have really happy, easy-going babies, that sleep good almost from the beginning. I count my blessings that my body was able to have another baby and although delivery was not ideal, Mack came out safe and sound. I count my blessings that I get to be a mother and I know that through the hard parts we learn the most.

In the meantime I happen to be an expert at all things breastfeeding because I've had to be, so I feel prepared to help my girls if they need it!! I am also a huge fan of breastfeeding and think every mom should give it a try if she can. It can be so awesome... but if you just can't do it, I totally get that too. I think we all need to support one another through the whole thing. No judging, just understanding.

AND if you want to come over and "shop" in my nursing drawer, I think I'm ready to open it up, put the stuff away, and move on.

Thanks for listening.

Running Update

This week I'm running three miles. I'm building up to 13 for my half marathon. Building up sloooowly.
One of my run's was pretty rough for 3 reasons.

1. I almost threw up. I was 3/4 of the way done and my mind wandered to the delicious homemade bread loaf that I had consumed the day before. I thought, perhaps, that I would like to consume some more when I got home and that's when I basically dry heaved. I guess one should not think about food when running, sweating and out of breath. My body did not like the thought of bread at that point.

2. I got startled. I was about 1/2 of the way through my run, listening to my music and praying that it would all be over soon. I heard a slight noise over my shoulder so I glanced briefly to my side. That is when I saw a human form right behind me!! I was not expecting someone behind me! My body immediately went into defense mode. I screamed, jumped back and put both hands up as if to fight or defend. It was humiliating. The woman apologized and ran past. A few moments later, when she turned around we had to pass eachother again. Embarassing. Rediculous. I am a spaz.

3. I almost cried. Yes, it's true, I got a little choked up on my run. I was listening to Miley Cyrus's song, "The Climb." And I was really tired and my body hurt. I was running up a small hill and the words to her song just hit home and the crying lump formed in my throat.

The Lyrics (with my minute by minute thoughts in parantheses)

"There's always gonna be another mountain (I felt like I was running up a mountain), I'm always gonna wanna make it move! Always gonna be an uphill battle (I was really fighting to keep going this morning), sometimes I'm gonna have to looooose (I want to quit and forget the half marathon- it's too hard). Ain't about how fast I get there (is a 15 minute mile ok?), ain't about what's waiting on the other siiiiide (yes it is- my food, my water, never having to run again), it's the cliiiiiimb (Help! I can't climb any longer)!"

The tears came to my eyes BUT they did not spill out. I held it together. I have to admit though I have had daydreams of myself at the finish line of the 1/2 marathon crying and hugging everyone. Ok, now I'm really embarrassed.

No more confessions.

The song is inspirational. Please download it from itunes immediately. Also, go see the movie, we liked it.

Speaking of songs and music and stuff like that- I was sad to see Danny go last night BUT I totally recognize that Adam is the best one out there and deserves the Idol Crown 100%. He will get my vote for sure. When his makeup is less dramatic and he smiles, I love him again.

Call Me Lazy But.....

There are some things in life that are just too much for me to handle. Like, I can do everything else, but if I tried to do that one thing, it would throw me over the edge of sanity.

Currently they are:

**charging my blue tooth for the car- I guess I would rather risk a ticket because it is just too hard to find it, and its charger, and plug it in, and then get it back out to the car where I need it.

**wrapping up the vacume cord after I use it- there is no point to doing this since I am going to vacume again in 48 hours- it is just too hard and even thinking about it makes me tired.

**Erasing the messages on my answering machine. You wouldn't think pressing a button would be difficult, but it is. I will only do it when the memory is completely full.

**Hanging my clothes up when I take them off at night. My closet is a mess again.

**Listening to a story told by my son involving karate, punching or light saber demonstrations for more than 3 minutes. After that, it is just too hard to feign interest for fake fighting, or listen to how each person moved and then attacked the other person. I get confused and then feel dizzy and then I feel like I'm losing it. I really try with this one though because I love him.

**Cleaning out my car. This is asking too much. I work constantly to keep the rest of my life clean but trying to keep up on the car would throw me over the edge for sure.

**Petting my cat. I feed him and give him shelter and that is my limit.



Thank you for listening.

Skeletons and Junk in My Closet

I'm going to let you in on a little secret.

I'm really embarrassed. My mom will die when she sees these pictures.

My secret = I am a messy closet person!

I love my house to be clean at all times, but my closet? It is always a disaster. Dave frequently tells me to "take an extra minute or two to hang things up" when I'm done with them. Every night when my clothes are in hand, I pause for a split second and think, "should I hang this up?" The answer is always, "no, I'm too tired" and I drop it on the floor, or shove it on a shelf, or stuff it in a drawer. Then my drawers stay open because they're too full to close.

Another reason my closet is so messy is because I am indecisive and try on different articles of clothing every morning before I decide what to wear. Each time I try something new on, the last outfit gets tossed somewhere... who knows where? I am always missing something!

So, here is where YOU come in!!! If you would like to share closet woes, please send me a picture of yourself in your closet "AS IS!" I MEAN, AS YOUR CLOSET LOOKS THE VERY MOMENT THAT YOU TAKE THE PICTURE!

No cleaning it up at all. Take the picture and send it to me. I want you in the picture too. I'll post them later this week. It will be funny.

If you're a clean person, send me a picture and impress everyone!

My goal for next week is to get my closet super clean. I will post all of your pictures next week and then on Friday post my "miracle change" closet. I hope I can do it. But if not, I'll just postpone, don't worry.

Email pictures to ddawg2005@gmail.com

Confessions

I have some confessions that I must make:

1. I ate out at least 13 times over the holidays.

2. My sister loaned me cute boy and girl matchy Christmas outfits 5 years ago and I just found them in a bin in my garage (so sorry Ang... should I mail them back to you now?!?!).

3. I have stopped squeegeeing after my showers. We have a clear glass shower and we are supposed to squeegee the drips off after we shower. Well I haven't done it for a couple of months now and Dave might be mad at me if he finds out.

4. I say mean things to my cat when no one is listening.

5. I had some items on my Christmas list that didn't show up Christmas morning and I am accidentally buying them for myself right now!