I have lots of spiritual things on my mind lately so beware.
With Mother's Day fast approaching I've been thinking about Mothers and the role of motherhood.
I am obsessed with it.
I can't believe that we are given the most wonderful, amazing gift and blessing to be a mother.
That God trusts us that much!
I also can't believe that we only have a very short time frame in which to bear children.
I'm turning 30 this year and realize I have some years left, but still, I feel my clock ticking, especially because things aren't working for me as fast as I would like them to.
It seems that as soon as you've had a couple of kids and you feel like you're getting the whole pregnancy/baby thing down, that your time is up and your chance is over.
Then you move on to different stages of life, and mothering in a different way.
I'm sure those stages will be wonderful, but for now I can't get it out my head how wonderful the stage that I've just been through is.
I'm afraid I'm going to miss it so much when it's over.
I'm afraid I'll never feel like I got enough of it.
Lots of my thoughts these days are centered on how I can get myself a baby.
Sometimes I feel so desperate I want to scream.
Other times I feel more calm but have secret day dreams about people I love dying and giving me their baby.
Every time I see a young-looking woman that's pregnant I think about asking her if she wants her baby, and if not, can I have it?
Can you imagine if I really did that?
Sometimes I feel a bit crazy inside.
Other times I feel peaceful and know that things will work out eventually. It will never work out the way I wanted it. I'm working on wanting what HE wants. Aligning my will, if you will.
Most days my will aligns and I am happy.
Every day I feel blessed to have the 3 children that are mine.
Every day I remember the 3 little ones I lost. They are mine too and I am thankful for them.
I wish I had cherished every moment of pregnancy and birth and nursing.
I wish I had realized how quickly that time of life slips by.
I wish I had squeezed a few more babies in between the ones I have before my uterus gave up on me.
But there's no sense in wishing.
I am so thankful to be a mom.
I feel everyday the responsibility that I have to these little children. To teach them and protect them.
But really just to love them. Loving them is the most important thing.
I hope I am doing it right.
Most nights I go to bed worrying that I'm not doing it right.
But I know just doing your best is right enough.
I read a post awhile back that stuck in my head and has stayed there permanently.
The post is here.
It's about how "we can do hard things."
How the women who've gone before us have done hard things and are now cheering us on!
I like to think about my great-grandma's and my grandma's and my mom and all the women who have gone before me. I think of all that they went through. What I've gone through is nothing in comparison!
They did their hard things, and now I can do mine.
When I think about that, it gives me courage and makes me feel powerful.
It makes me a better mom.
I love motherhood and will always be grateful I was given this gift.
Nothing in the world compares to it.
spring 2006
30 comments:
A simply beautiful and powerful tribute to mothers everywhere!
What a very real and beautiful post. Fantastic. And, Happy Mother's Day on Sunday!
Another lovely post. I have thought all those things! Except maybe hoping someone would die and leave me a baby... tee hee! :-)
Thanks for 2 doses of inspiration.
I remember those desperate feelings during the year and a half I was trying to conceive my first baby. I am sorry to hear of your pain you are going through.
I too go to bed and review the day rating myself on how I did as a mother. Always determined that maybe tomorrow I will do better than today.
Thanks for the beautiful post.
There's nothing that is more frustrating than having a righteous desire and not seeing it fulfilled. I know He's in charge, but sometimes that just doesn't make it easier, does it? You are so strong. You amaze me. I think you've got big things in store for you, friend.
De-lurking for a moment.
"Every time I see a young-looking woman that's pregnant I think about asking her if she wants her baby, and if not, can I have it?"
SO what I am feeling. Glad to hear I'm not the only one.
this was so moving, that even i want to find you a baby now. i'll keep my eye out!
Thank you for your thoughts and inspiration Denae. Every morning when I say my prayers I ask to do better today than I did yesterday. Sometimes I get tired of asking for this and wish that I could get it just right. Then I realize we can always do better and sometimes I need to be more patient with myself.
As always, I'm wishing lots of happiness for you. (And that doesn't mean that you shouldn't keep on mourning when you need to.) You are wonderful.
Thanks Denae! I actually have to speak in church on Sunday about motherhood and what it means to me and so I too, have been thinking a lot about this subject and how lucky and blessed I am to be a mother and what an important role and a privilage it is to lead these little ones back to our Heavenly Father. He trusts us that much! It is great! Happy Mother's Day to one of the best moms around! Love ya!
Denae, I've told you this before but you always just seem to say what I feel but can't put into words. This is what makes you AND your blog so amazing.
It's funny because I've been feeling a bit the same way lately. Remembering the pain now that Faith is a little older and I'm ready for another baby. And feeling a gigantic weight with it all wondering if I'm going to have to go through the whole thing all over again. And mourning the 'inability to have another baby' before it's even a truth. And I used to daydream about people giving me their baby too. My next door neighbor's daughter thought she was pregnant once and I was a little happy about it because I knew she'd give it up for adoption and I'd have a good chance at being picked. And THESE are really special years and I think to myself sometimes that I'm going to look back and wish I did more with my kids and appreciated those tiny moments more. Because it really just goes by so dang fast. I like Lisa-Marie's comment about trying to do better today than you did the day before. I think I'll try that.
What a wonderful post! Makes me so excited to become a mother! We found out today we're having a boy!
I go to bed worrying that I am not doing it right, either. It plagues me. I want to be perfect because I love my husband and kiddos so much...they deserve the very best. I want to do better, be better...this was such an honest, beautiful post. Thank you.
I loved this post Denae. You are just so real and honest, and you share it. I too go to bed worried if i am doing enough or what more I should do. I agree that nothing is better than being a mother- it truly is a gift and blessing.
I love your blog. I've been a lurker for awhile now, popping over from Jessica's.
This was such a sweet and tender post. Hang in there. I went 7 years in between my 2nd and 3rd children thinking it may never happen. I love how you're staying positive and being grateful for what you DO have and not fretting too much about what you don't.
Enjoy your Mother's Day. Your children are DARLING!
Wow your post really kind of sent into a spiral of emotions and feelings. I too have struggled with the, having righteous desires (such as a husband and children). I am now 32 and havenot been married and have no children.
I have loved many children in my life and still feel very empty. I am going to be getting married this summer and will become a stepmom. I don't know what the future holds, meaning I don't know that I will ever know what it is like to have my own baby.....
Thank you for sharing.
Whatever your uterus is lacking, your heart seems to make up for with a desire to be an extra good, grateful, strong, loving mom.
You're an inspiration.
Happy Mother's Day.
You are the best mother! You really inspire me. And this post was beautiful. I linked over to C Jane's blog and thought that post was really neat, too. This has all been a good reminder for me to relish in the time when my kids are young. I just always find myself looking forward to my own dreams and aspirations instead of just living in this moment. Thanks for the insight!
Amen to every word.
It is so nice to know that other Mothers out there worry about similar things that I do. I do wish that time would slow down, just a little!
Thanks, Denae. I appreciate your honesty and heartfelt thoughts. You are inspiring...even in your grief...and help us all to appreciate being mothers a little bit more!
Let's go baby hunting together. You can have the first one we find, I promise.
Such a great post...I know what you are feeling because I felt it after I had the triplets. I had been given so much and yet I still desired one more, just one more. I wanted to savor my pregnancy, not have to see a doctor every 2 weeks to be told my babies probably wouldn't make it. I wanted to nurse, not pump. I wanted to bring my baby home with me, not connected to oxygen or apnea monitors.
And then, 4 years later, Brookie came into our lives.
I don't know why, I don't know how, but she did.
You are a wonderful mother with righteous desires. I know that Heavenly Father has something incredible in store for you, even though we don't know what yet.
Such pretty children! Such a pretty mom!
Okay, if you can do three kids, that means I can do it... and still want another one later on, right?
Thanks for making me cry! Really though.. this was so sweet and funny of course. I LOVED reading every second of it!
You can always articulate things so well. I loved this post. You are so open and honest, and I think it helps people so much. I know it has helped me in ways that I view certain things. Happy Mother's Day!!
This is the best post Denae! I loved reading your "spiritual" side. Thanks for sharing it.
Love,
Jen
Denae, your posts help me so much. They help me to be more sensitive to what others may be going through. There are some women in my ward going through this, and I feel like I know how to be a better friend to them because you are so candid in sharing your feelings!
Looks like you had such a fun Mother's Day weekend! Cute pics of your kids!!
Thanks for the great post denae. I didn't know that "you can do hard things" was a quote from a woman in the presidency. my sister said that to me when I was 22 and going through a really hard time in my life and thinking I couldn't get out of the hard situation. Well, she told that she had always told herself, "Shauna, you can do hard things" whenever life became dark. She had some struggles, so I knew if she could do it, so could I. So it is nice to know that is actually a quote. Thanks again. I love remembering the time she said that to me. P.S.- i have that same shirt you are wearing by the fountain. -looks great! - stacers
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