Four Things Keeping Me Up At Night

In no particular order:

1. My allergies. I started taking Allegra D instead of Zyrtec and it turns out I am in the small minority of people that get the side effect "sleeplessness" when I take it. So it took a few nights of not sleeping at all until I figured out I can't take that anymore! But I can't handle the allergy suffering either.... I'm trying to figure it out.

2. My friends house got broken into WHEN SHE WAS HOME the other day!!! It is so scary, and disturbing, and I have been laying awake all night worried about it.

3. A creepy girl came to my door the same day my friends house got broken into and told me she needed to talk to me. I was freaked out by her. It turns out she lives around the corner but she still creeped me out. Then she told me something else creepy- someone put duct tape on her cats feet in the middle of the night and cut its whiskers off. Is that just sickening? So she was going around telling all of the neighbors that there is apparently some sociopath psychotic sicko person going around my neighborhood hurting animals in the middle of the night and to beware. How am I supposed to sleep knowing that?

4. Worst of the worst: a baby was taken from its bed in the middle of the night on Sunday... just ONE town away from mine. A four month old girl. I haven't followed up on the story because it was too sad and horrible. Last I had heard, authorities had searched all day to no avail. I wanted to put all of my kids on my floor that night but instead I just got out of bed (where I couldn't sleep anyway) and checked on them every 20 minutes.

So, if you see me passed out on the floor, or riding the bull while driving, or crying randomly for no reason, it is because I am suffering from severe lack of sleep due to scary, creepy, frightening happenings in my town as of late. Oh and the allergy thing too.

But alas, I am off to try again. Good night!

Looking For Some Good C-Section Stories

(baby Logan)

I don't really want to talk about the fact that I have to have a c-section, but I know the blogging world is full of women who have done it and might have some good things to say to me.

I've always had strong opinions about natural child birth. Not natural in an "against pain medication" way, but natural in a "I know our bodies are made to do this and it should not be too interfered with" way.

I just think that doctors these days want to get in there and control the whole thing. I think if you leave your body alone it can do it. The baby and your body know when the time is right and it will happen "normally" in most cases if you leave it be.

Of course there are plenty of times when women need help and plenty of cases where interference is completely necessary and saves lives! In those situations I'm so grateful for doctors and all that they do.

I've had 3 mostly uneventful vaginal births and 2 fairly normal miscarriages. After that, I opted to be "interfered with" and had a hysteroscopy because I was desperate to solve my miscarriage problem. Then when I was miscarrying again a few months later, because I was emotionally done and my doctor was pushy, I got a D&C, and that's where I think my troubles started.

After the D&C I couldn't get pregnant for 3 years and now my placenta has attached in the wrong place because, I believe, it had no where else to go due to scar tissue from my D&C and hysteroscopy.

So this is what I think... when you start messing around with the process it leads to more problems.

Although, if I could go back I would do it all the same again because I did what I needed to do for me, at the time.

Anyway.

Long story short, I have a very low-lying placenta and therefore a c-section is in my future (like 5 weeks in my future!).

I'm pretty much terrified. It is unknown territory for me and I feel like I'm on a freight train headed to the operating table and I have no way to stop it. I don't want to be sliced open. And I'm afraid once they get in there they're going to mess with things and cause more problems.

Of course I want to do what is safest for my baby and me. Of course. That's all that really matters. But I can't help being terrified.

My concerns:

-having my arms strapped down and feeling trapped/claustrophobic/panic attack

-not getting to hold and be with my baby when he is born (even though they say you will be able to I just know it won't be ideal).

-hemorrhaging and having to get a hysterectomy (please don't take my uterus)

-pain

-more scar tissue leading to more problems in the future

or my uterus being destroyed. It really doesn't need to get scraped out again.

-infection

-a weird stomach afteward

-pain meds interfering with my life afterward

-painful recovery thus taking away from this experience I've dreamed about for so long.

-pain... oh wait, I mentioned that.

I've heard good and bad. Some women love them, some women hate them.

I'm sure in the end I'll be fine, but I can't see that far right now. All I see is my stomach being cut open. I've had vivid nightmares about it. I just want to be left alone. But I also want my baby here safe. And I'll go through anything for that. Maybe this is just another obstacle. Even my placenta is trying to stop this child from coming. We've gone through so much for him and it's just one more roadblock, one more detour to make sure we remember his arrival is a miracle. And I do remember.

In the meantime please re-assure me. Tell me it won't hurt. Tell me Dave won't pass out in the operating room (we both almost passed out watching a video of one the other night). Tell me they won't give me an "emergency" hysterectomy (my dr. mentioned this and acted as though it were no big deal since I will have 4 children already), tell me I'll get to hold and love my baby the very second he arrives and I won't have to sit in a cold recovery room wondering where he is and what he looks like.

I guess that's all.

Thanks.

Adventures in Running

(not me)

I am still "training" for that half marathon. The one that came up way too fast and is NEXT WEEK! I don't feel prepared. I'm supposed to have run 10 miles by now and I've only run 8 at one time. I just don't know if I can go from 8 to 13 on adrenaline. Plus, I want to cry when I'm running that far and I think about how much it hurts and how I am not built for distance.

Anyway, the other morning I decided to take a new route and went on a bike trail near my home.

I was running when up ahead I saw a man and a dog. All of a sudden the dog charged me barking and growling and acting like he was going to eat me.


I started screaming and ran up onto this rocky little hill.

The man calmly walks over and tells me that the dog is harmless.

I accidentally yelled at him very rudely explaining that the dog did not appear harmless when it was running at me and barking and growling!! (the last word was said in a higher/ slightly hysterical tone- it was early in the morning, don't mess.) I was rude and I didn't care.

Until.... on my way back, in the same spot, the man is standing there. His dog is now on a leash but he is just standing there staring at me with no expression on his face, holding the leash. I gave a small wave and a quiet, "thanks," as he stared me down with no response as I ran by. Stared. It might be the creepiest thing I've experienced in awhile. As I ran off I had to keep looking behind me to see if he was following. He hates my guts and now I'm afraid to run on the great new trail for fear he is waiting for me with his killer dog. I guess that's what I get for yelling at a stranger. I really should be more kind and considerate like my husband.

Almost every day that I go running I think I deserve to eat one of these:

So I do. It has 600 calories and 39 fat grams. That's disgusting and totally makes my exercising "nil." Whatev!

I guess it is not quite as bad as the peach shake that Brooke drank. Please read about her shake here- and add your "eaters remorse" comments. It's funny.

Please also keep me in your prayers this week. Pray that I won't collapse or make a fool of myself at the half marathon. Pray that I won't come in last or that at least my family will wait at the finish line for me and not go home because it took so long. Also, pray that I'll never be so foolish to sign up for something like this again.

I Hate the 1st Grade Field Trip

My 1st grade daughter is on a field trip today. It is a far away field trip... like at least 1.5 hours on a bus. We thought about it a lot and decided to let her go. Now that she's gone, I am NOT o.k. with it and I feel like I'm going to vomit!! What's with these people thinking 1st graders can go so far from home??? I hope I can make it to 4pm without doing something crazy like loading everyone up in the car and going in search of her.

On Starving and Biting Oneself

Why is it that every fast Sunday, by the time it is time to eat again (finally), I am so incredibly hungry that I stuff my face and chew so fast that I inevitably bite myself somewhere in my mouth.

It might be my tongue, or the inside of my cheek that is bitten. Either place, I end up taking a huge chunk out of my mouth and it hurts. And then I can't really eat without experiencing some pain because of my fresh wound. It is the worst.

I wish I could just calm down and chew slowly and carefully. That is always my plan but as the day wears on I find myself becoming more and more desperate.

Today was especially rough when Macey opened up a bag of skittles from her Halloween pumpkin and the fruity smell came wafting through the air to land on my eager nostrils. I almost attacked her to get that bag. But I mustered the tiny bit of energy that I had left, and held myself back. In fact, I tied myself to a chair. (In my mind).

Then the struggle returned when I served my children chicken salad on Ritz crackers for a snack. Macey only ate one deliciously laden cracker and left her plate at the table covered in scrumptiousness. Maybe I sneaked one, maybe I didn't. You'll never know.

Moving on. I know that you're not supposed to complain about fasting. So that's not what I'm doing. I'm just saying that it's really hard, and it hurts my body, and it makes me tired, and I hate it. Oops! That sounded like complaining! I'm just kidding about all of that anyway. Ha Ha Ha (nervous laugh)

So all of this leads me to my question. Is my body, eating myself on purpose? I mean, when my teeth bite my mouth flesh, are they meaning to? Because it (my body) is just so hungry? And it will eat anything it can get its teeth on? Whether or not it is human flesh?

I'm curious about this, because it is just seems too coincidental to really be a coincidence. I'm pretty sure, when fasting, that my body takes on a life of its own and controls my every move carelessly ignoring the pleas from my true self to slow down and be careful, and eat only food, not flesh.

Later, enjoying dessert.

What I'm Scared Of

Could her face get stuck like this? Or could she pull so hard that something rips?

Why does this SF zoo gorilla look so human-like? And why was he staring at me?

Needs no explanation. Don't go to the Peir 39 Aquarium.

What if he grows up and does this for real?

Why does she have to climb everything? Will she fall and fracture her skull again?

Why do they have to go so far out? Will there be another shark attack in the family?
Just kidding. There wasn't a shark attack in our family. But I am scared of the ocean.

Chuck E. Cheese scares me. Who is the person behind the mask?
And please get away from my child.

What are you afraid of?

I feel Uncomfortable

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I have um, shall we say, a, um, fear (nervous laugh) of bugs. Mostly just "flying bugs" because they are unpredictable and can come at you from any direction.

I don't usually admit to my small fear. In fact, most of the time I am in denial and defending myself from my family who likes to tease me. Since becoming a mother, I have worked extra hard to stay calm in the face of my fear so as not to scare the little ones. And I think it has worked pretty well. So far none of my 3 children show too much anxiety when a flying bug comes around.

All of this information brings me to the subject of my post.

I have begun to feel very uncomfortable in my back yard.

The reason that we bought the home we are in right now is because it has a good size yard.

The problem with our yard is that is has a few too many bushes and plants. It has now been many months since our bushes have had a trim. They are very overgrown, as is our grass and our weeds. The yard is just too hard to keep on!!! And the problem is, that the more overgrown "greenery" you have in your yard, the more bugs.

The other day I went out to water our tress. As I was watering them I saw a very yucky and scary spider hang from it's web and dangle from the tree. Then I noticed that both of our new trees are covered in small webs. My heart started to pound a little bit and I backed up. I quickly took the hose I was using and killed the dangling spider.

The next thing I know, I hear an extremely loud buzz go right by my ear. I try to stay calm. I look down at the ground and notice a bunch of movement. It was hard to tell but it seemed to me that there were some bugs crawling around in the dirt. I continued to look calm but on the inside I was feeling a little bit, shall we say, frightened.

One more extremely loud buzz by my ear throws me into a fit of fear. I throw my hose and run for the house, waving my arms wildly to get the flying bugs, that seem to be attacking me, away.
Once inside, after I've calmed down, I realize I've got to do something about this fear I have.


I feel that I have 2 options. Either remove all greenery from my yard and fill in the dirt with cement. Or, find some sort of class or therapy to help me get over this fear. I know Dave would probably rather that I go with option 2. But I am scared that any sort of "therapy" might involve exposing myself to flying bugs a little bit at a time until I can handle it. Well, I couldn't handle that.

This latest backyard incident has made me realize that I have a real problem. This realization has been slowly sinking in over the year. Let me site just a few examples of my issues with bugs.

1) A few years ago I knew it had gone too far when I had a plate full of food at a picnic, and I threw it all up into the air in a panic because a bee was flying toward my face. The food landed on our friends porch and made quite a mess. Woops.

2) Another time I knew I had a real problem was when I was driving down the road and heard a buzzing noise. I look over to see a bee inside my car on the passengers side window. I threw the car into park and nearly broke it because I had been going at least 30 miles per hour and only slowed down a little bit. I jumped out of the car and ran a few feet before turning around and deciding that I MUST, as a mother, unstrap my baby Lexi from her car seat and take her with me. It took all of the bravery I could muster to open her door and get her out. My hands were sweaty and shaking but I did it. I then opened almost all of the doors and we sat on the side of the road and waited for the bee to fly out.

3) I also know I have a problem because of the many times I have felt out of control and have quickly and quietly run away from a flying bug and left my children behind.
"Why are you running away mommy?"
"Oh! No reason! Just for fun!" (nervous laugh). Actually, um, we're leaving! Grab your stuff and run kids!
"Mommy wait for us!"
"No, sorry, I can't, hurry up kids, just catch up! This is fun!" (nervous laugh).

4) I feel better about myself when I hear of, or see other people with my same fear. Namely one friend of mine, Mindy. We were once leaving a swimming pool together and as we got near our cars she took off running into a crazy circle for a minute. I'm sorry to say that I felt much relief from her actions. I am not alone.

All of these memories have been coming back to me lately as I've been struggling with our backyard. Something has to be done... I'm just not sure what yet.

Any ideas? Also, what are your embarrassing fears? It really will make me feel better to know.

I Could Be Dying

I am having the worst shooting pain down my left arm right now. Is that the arm that you get pain in when you're having a heart attack? I don't know why I am experiencing this unbearable pain! It's been going on for a few hours now and it really hurts. Maybe it is from typing too much. Or maybe from painting too much. Or stirring the marshmallows in the pan forever waiting for them to melt to make my rice crispy treats today. Or maybe it's because my nap today was really crappy and short.

Oh well. I guess I'll never know why I'm having this horrible pain. But if you don't hear from me I"m probably at the hospital. The reason why I'm telling you this is because Dave is sick of hearing about it and I had no one else to turn to since it is after 10pm and I can't call anyone.

As I sit here in pain, Dave is over on the bed reading his book. Does anyone ever take care of moms?

I'm going to bed now.

Good night.

stomach flu = my death bed = lessons learned

So I just got over the stomach flu and I am the happiest person ever to be healthy again. I'm not kidding around when I say that the stomach flu is on my top 5 list of the worst things to have happen to me. (the other 4 being: having ants come in my house, getting cut by the edge of soup can lid, getting stung by a bee or just having a bee land on me, walking into a spider-web). Well, I actually just made that list up really quick, but what I'm trying to say is that I really hate the stomach flu. Anytime my kids get it or someone else I know gets it I have to say a quick prayer of thanks that I don't have it and then throw in some quick pleading that I won't get it. And I usually don't get it... but this time I did. And it WAS as bad as I remembered. It just hurts and is so gross. But this time I learned a lesson...... a lesson I've learned over and over many times but forget frequently. And that is to be thankful for my life! For the past week I had been sort of down and cranky. All of our vacations are over, my birthday is over, I was mad about cleaning up all of the time, I was sick of cooking dinner only to have all 3 children reject my meal, my car was a mess, I wanted to buy stuff but couldn't justify spending money etc. etc. I was just cranky. Then labor day came and it wasn't that great, Dave stayed home and it was boring and I was like, just go to work, who cares, there's nothing to look forward too etc. You get the picture. And then I got the flu. It hit me at about 2pm on Tuesday and I was dying! I was in so much pain and felt nasty and wanted to throw up but didn't want to and the kids were climbing all over me while I was trying to lay on the couch. At 7:30 pm it got even worse... it was really bad. That's when I started thinking about how wonderful my life really is when I'm not sick. And I couldn't believe I had been complaining before!! I started thinking that if only I was better I would be so happy to clean and cook and bathe people and I wouldn't even care that nothing exciting was coming up, I would just be so happy to be feeling good! And 22 hours later I was fine and I AM so happy to be better. Life is good... I mean, ya it's hard sometimes but we are so blessed in so many ways and health is one of them that I never think about it until I'm sitting on the bathroom floor crying. And I'm so glad that my bad attitude is gone now. I have been cleaning up all day and I don't even mind. Laundry.. no big deal. Macey had her bath this morning and I smothered her in baby magic and have been sniffing her all day, it's delicious. I really do love baby magic by the way. It smells so good on babies. I have been a little worried though lately since I can't find it at target or safeway! Anyway, that's the end of my random blog about my lesson learned from the stomach flu.

Terror at the doctors office

So I know a lot of you heard about my experience a couple of years ago when Lexi and Logan had to get shots on the same day and both went burserk and tried to run out the door and hide under the table etc. It was a crazy experience but luckily I was able to laugh through most of it.

Not the case yesterday. So it was Lexi's 5 year old check-up and I wasn't sure if she was going to get shots but I talked to her about it a little bit just in case. When we got there I found out that she did have to get shots so I talked with her some more in the office, and the doctor told her that after this time she wouldn't need anymore until she was 11. So it looked like she was doing ok, a little nervous, but she followed me into the room willingly. However, as soon as I picked her up to hold her on my lap and get ready for the shot, she went absolutely insane. Those of you who know Lexi know that she is a well-behaved, obedient, some-what quiet child. She is also smart and very easy to reason with. She most often listens to what I say and understands what I tell her. I have no idea what causes her to become a bucking bronco with rabies when it's time to get a shot. She went completely bonkers. She started kicking her legs wildly and at the same time she was swinging her upper body back and forth and shaking her head. She jumped face first off of my lap and onto the floor. She also began crying and screaming uncontrollably. She was arching her back and making it almost impossible to hold her. All the while I am trying to talk to her and explain that it will just take a second and pinch for a second and then it will be over with. She knows that shots are to make her healthier and I had explained earlier that she would get a special treat if she was really brave. Somehow the nurse and I got her shirt up and off of her arms and the nurse had the syringes next to us on the table about to administer the shots. At that point Lexi began screaming as loud as she could, "I HATE THIS! I HATE THIS! I'M NOT GOING TO DO THIS! I'M NOT GONNA DO THIS! I HATE THIS!" I, at first, had been laughing out of surprise and disbelief, but at that point I looked over at Logan and saw him sitting in the chair with his hands over his ears bawling his eyes out. I then looked over at Macey in the stroller and saw her also crying in fear and confusion. Before I knew what was happening, as I struggled to hold Lexi on my lap and pin all 4 of her limbs down, tears began to flow from my eyes too (much to my humiliation). So at that point I asked the nurse to stop and back up and I took Lexi into the corner thinking I could calm her down. I asked her what she thought would happen if she really got away and ran out the door. She didn't know so I explained that she had to get the shots and if she ran away we would just have to come back tomorrow. As I am talking she is shaking her head and trying to get her shirt back on, completely disobeying me, which is so unlike her! I was in shock, but knew that we needed to just get it done. So back up to the table we went and while she was yelling and screaming and fighting we were able to pin her 2 legs in between mine and while I held both arms across her body as tight as I could the shots were given. With each poke she screamed as loud as I have ever heard anyone scream. And I am not kidding. When it was finally over she just fell into a heap and bawled. It was the saddest thing ever. I had no idea that she would be so terrified. I guess I should have known because of my last experience but I thought as a big 5 year old I could talk her out of being so scared. So after comforting Logan and Macey and trying to get Lexi to stop crying and walk with me out the door, we entered the waiting room where we were met with stares of shock and horror from the other moms. I just walked right by hoping they wouldn't notice by sweat-drenched back. Later, I asked Lexi if the shots had hurt as much as she thought they would, or if they really were just little pinches that felt fine after a minute. She told me that both arms felt like someone had smashed 4 rocks into them. Wow. It was a traumatizing day for all of us and I have already planned to schedule future immunization days when Dave can be the attending parent. Thanks for letting me vent. Luckily, I have been able to get her to laugh about it a little bit when I tell her that my sweet little Lexi turned into a wild bucking bronco. She laughs a little, but it isn't as funny to her as it might be when she's older and hopefully has a child that does the same thing to her!

Bye for now!

A CALL FOR HELP!

ATTENTION READERS!

Tonight when I went out to the garage to get my vacume, I picked my vacume up and I saw a brown object run super fast across the floor and disappear into a corner. It was either a tarantula or a mouse. It happened so fast I really couldn't see what it was but I"m assuming it was a mouse. What do I do???? I have never had a mouse in my garage. I assume that means it has a home there and has been there awhile and I have no idea how to get rid of it! Please advise.