Thanks everyone for your help and ideas on the last post. I had to hide it for obvious reasons but my brother LOVED it!! I'll will update you in January.
I almost always like what John Rosemond (the parenting guy) says, and today when I checked in on his website I saw that he wrote about something that I've been trying work on with my kids! So I must share with you.
John says, "Regardless of where they are found, "micro-managers" create tense environments where conflict, deceit, and disloyalty are the inevitable outcomes."
He also says that when we micro-manage our children we give them the message that they are not capable enough to handle even minor responsibilities.
I am working on this. I think self-esteem comes when a child feels that they can do things for themselves. When they feel like they are "capable" and can handle "big person" tasks! It is so much easier to do everything for your children (a.k.a. micro-manage them) instead of letting them learn how to do it on their own!
Especially since my 3 kids are all close in age I tend to lump them all together and do everything the same with all of them. I'm trying to remember that Lexi is almost 7 and can do a lot for herself. I'm trying not to micro-manage her as much as I used to have to when she was little. I'm trying to treat her more like the big girl that she is!
For example, making lunch for school every morning. If your children can do it for themselves, why not let them? My kids can do this at night right before bed so I need to let them.
Recently I swallowed my controlling instincts and let Lexi make a batch of cookies ALL BY HERSELF. She did a great job, didn't get burned, and cleaned up the mess pretty well. She read all of the instructions on the recipe and went for it! I sat at the table making jewelry and it was grand. Especially when I got to eat the cookies afterward having not lifted a finger.
Also, I've been having her carry the dry laundry upstairs and fold it. Yes, things might be a teense wrinkled but it is AWESOME for me to do one less batch, and Lexi loves it! She pretends that she is a mom the whole time and thinks she is so cool. How long will that last?
So, for a controlling person like me, these are baby steps and I am proud of them. Just thought I'd share what I'm working on. Lots of times I totally believe in a concept but have a hard time following through and doing it! So when I do, I'm happy. The end.
26 comments:
This has given me something to think about. I never really thought of myself as controlling but I do tend to do everything for my kids. I guess I should be having them do more. They do each have a chore daily and I make sure that they do those with out hovering but my kids can't fold clothes, or make sandwiches...they can't even get their own cereal! I better make some changes....
I really ought to check out one his books.
How ironic Denae - just today I read an article in this month's Ensign about this same topic. And then I read your blog about it. Hmmmm... Is God trying to tell me something? Maybe I really need to learn to LET GO and stop being such a control freak? Good thing I have a year or two to work on it until Kami starts to notice. Good luck and good advice!
I really need to work on the micromanaging thing. But... I'm a lot better than I used to and I like the advice about it. Sometimes it's hard to see it as "micromanaging" and more parenting. But... to be a good parent, it means letting them learn.
Too bad the first kid always gets experimented on.
This is very good advice... I tend to micro-manage as well and think I need to take control of every situation. This will be something that I can work on. Thanks D! P.S. I am SO excited for Les! They will be close in age... how fun!
Summer, I, too am so excited for Les-dawg. Everyone, my cousin Lesley is expecting #2!!! She just announced it today! Please congratulate her on her blog. click here
This is so true. My 8 year old made a (box mix) cake for my hubby's B-day. She was scared to put it in the oven, but she was so proud of everything else. I need to let (make) my kids do more.
Good point. I despise being micro-managed, which I have to remember when I want to micro-manage others. I am excited for my kids to get old enough to do real work and be my slaves!
How long until kids can start doing ALL the cooking and cleaning and laundry? My mom had 8 kids just for the slave labor.
Great point. I stand over my kids and point out every little thing I want picked up and point to where I want it placed. How OCD is that? This is a good lesson. My kids will thank you. Maybe even on your blog!
good post. I need to work on this more, I tend to micro manage and then I do too much for my kids. I am trying to be better. I think I need to read his books
I'm the opposite.
My kids are so sick of folding their own laundry (even my 3 year old helps) and doing chores that they beg me to just do it all by myself. So, instead of not micromanaging my kids, I need to start doing things for them. :) Okay, that sounds worse then it really is, but you get my point.
Mom still makes my lunch... haha Lexi is such a big girl, I can't believe she made her own cookies! That is amazing!
Great post with great advice! I love the Lexi stories and look forward to those days when my girls can start to do some bigger chores on their own.
I think I was 5 or 6 when I started making my own lunch. I started it the night before with a brown paper bag (which I wrote my name on it adding some Yankee logo or something) then came the chips and some dessert in a zip lock bag. The next morning came the sandwich, the fruit and then the frozen Capri-sun to keep the fruit cold. My mom would usually top it off with a napkin she'd somehow sneak in with a little note telling me to have a good day and that she loved me. The good ole days.
Thanks Denae and Summer! Okay, so I feel like I am going to struggle with this. I like to be in control and kind of have things done my way so this was good for me to read. It makes sense and even though it will be hard it will be better and better for my child. Way to go Lexi on making a batch of cookies! That is great! My friend also has her 8 year old daughter make her own lunch and the daughter loves it and now so does my friend. Thanks for the good insight Denae! You are always reading something good!
Very important!! It's so hard but essential...same thing goes for our hubbies, letting them do things for us and the kids even though we know we can do it better! MOM's are control freaks, which is expected...we have to be. But to a certain degree!!!
This is a very good point Denae, and I hope I can be good at giving my kids more and more responsibilities as they get older. Even with boys I have to remember that they are very capable of housework and yes even food preparation...now I just need to work on Chad :)
I really needed to read this. Thank you! I am a work in progress. When my 3 year declares he can make his own PBJ sandwich, I stand back and watch him work! The mess is so much fun to clean up afterwards but, he is so proud of himself. I haven't allowed him to pour his own glass of milk yet. NOPE! I'm working on that :)
I agree. It's hard to do that stuff, but so important. My kids only get a cold lunch if they make it themselves. Needless to say, Ethan and Derick eat hot lunch everyday. But Grace and Jane make their lunches a lot. I have also started making the girls put their own laundry away. I'd rather do it myself, but it's good for them to do it.
This is a great post Denae. I really needed to read it. It is really hard for me to let things go. There is always MORE work for me to do. I can ask Kameron to do anything and I know she will do a great job. She will do the task how I have taught her and do it like me. The problem is, is that if I want something done right, she is the one. Being the oldest myself, I hold back on asking her to do too much because I know how that is. I don't want to micro-manage, but some kids try to do the least amount of work possible and that can't be o.k. It's a balance I have to find. this was a great post!
I like control.
I am aware though, and would greatly appreciate my daughter managing some of her own world.
Thanks for the tips Denae.
Very good thoughts--I can relate. It's hard to step back and allow them to try things on their own, isn't it? Hooray for your baby steps--and cookies!
I'm a champion micromanager! Good to get this reminder, thank you Denae.
I'm a champion micromanager! Good to get this reminder, thank you Denae.
I was thinking of your post yesterday the whole time I was letting Kobe "help" wrap presents. He was very excited to help and do all the folding and creasing and stuff. I'm a perfectionist, he's a perfectionist...it was a long afternoon. I've tried to let him help me cook, but one smashed egg in the pancake mix was the end of that. I do need to be better.
My dear friend has four older children who are all completely self-sufficient and wonderful. She credits Rosemond and his books. I need to work on this...it's hard to give up control.
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