I Think I'm Ready to Talk About It

Did you know that it is World Breastfeeding Week this week? Yes it is!

And in honor of it (ha ha) I would like to share my story about how breastfeeding Mack did not work out. And I would like to take this opportunity to applaud all the moms out there who have struggled, and tried, cried, and almost died to breastfeed their child, yet it was not meant to be.

Breastfeeding has always been something I really wanted to do. Yet, it is has always been extremely difficult for me. I could go on and on trying to explain my theories for WHY it has been so difficult for me. But I will spare you the hour long monologue about that.

Bottom line: I have never had enough milk. It runs through parts of my family. I believe it is genetic. And it has been somewhat of a tragedy for me although with time and age I feel myself getting over it just a little bit (I can say that now, you should have seen me three months ago).

Anyway, if you have never struggled with milk supply you have no idea the torture and endless hours and effort that can go into trying to build one. For those of you who don't know, I will tell you what I must do to build a decent (though not full) milk supply:

Nurse the baby every 1-2 hours.

Pump with a double electric, hospital-grade pump for at least 10 full minutes after each and every nursing session.

Swallow 24 large horse pills of herbs 3 times a day. Gagging and choking has occurred.

Take a prescription medication that claims to increase milk supply but could cause depression. (Logan)

Order a prescription drug from an international pharmacy because it is so impossible to get it here in the US! (Mack)

Weigh my baby daily to see if he/she is gaining.

Do the Pump Test (every week or more) to figure out how much I'm making.

Calculate how much extra they need of formula and divide it up to be given to baby after each nursing session.

Begin to use a nursing supplementation system if baby starts to prefer bottle because he/she is smart and knows it's where the good stuff is. (Lexi)

Meet with a lactation consultant multiple times and get no help.

Watch as the lactation consultant begins mixing a bottle of formula to feed your starving/dehydrated baby. (Lexi)

Feel like a failure.

Cry through the whole process.

Through all of these measures I was blessed to get to nurse my 3 oldest children for a time. It got better with each child and I had more milk with each child. When I made it to ten months (with supplementation, of course) with Macey I believed I was amazing and wanted to throw a celebration party!! It was such a good experience with her and I was very excited to have a similar one with Mack.

I was all prepared with my nursing drawer full of: a brand new nursing cover, a brand new nursing pillow, nursing pads, 2 amazing new nursing bras, all of my old bras cleaned and ready, lanolin, soothing pads, herbs, pump bags, etc.

Little did I know.

Apparently, when you lose a lot of blood in delivery and do not have a transfusion, your body has to work extra hard to re-build your blood supply. And apparently, when ones body is working extra hard to re-build a blood supply it cannot, at the same time, build a milk supply.

The problem is, I did not know this, and no one bothered to tell me until 2 weeks into the struggle. The pump test revealed that I was making 1 ounce every 3 hours. "No big deal," thought I, "I can build it up with the strategies I've used before."

The thing is, Mack was born a big boy. And a big boy is a hungry boy. And big, hungry boys are not happy to have one ounce every few hours. So a couple of weeks later when he tasted his first bottle, he fell in love, and fell asleep content.

At that point I knew we had a major problem. In a frantic, emotional moment I sent Dave (bless him) to the hospital to knock on doors and find a Dr. that would help me! I had taken Reglan in the past but wanted Domperidone. I needed a prescription fast. It was the only thing that would save us, once I had figured out my problem, I knew things were going downhill and I was desperate to make it work somehow! My supply, after three weeks, was the same... and every time I tried to nurse, Mack would throw a big screaming fit until I gave in and he got his beloved bottle.

No Dr. would come to my rescue. We ordered the meds from Canada instead. They never came. My body couldn't handle the pressure I was putting it through, and I was losing it. I tried to hang on. It didn't work out. I cried for days and tried to force my poor baby to nurse when he didn't want to. I was a crazy person. But Dave finally talked some sense into me and with prayers and blessings I made the decision to bottle feed, and we made it through.

Mack is still in love with his bottle, but guess what? He loves me too. Nursing was just not meant to be this time around. Once again, I think God was trying to teach me (as he continually does) that my plans aren't always going to work out. That I can't control everything. That I can make it through a detour and come out of it ok. He gave me the baby I wanted so badly and if that baby can't nurse, then he can't nurse, and it just doesn't matter! Life goes on!

Now, I know that every mother in the world has baby struggles. It might be nursing issues, fussiness, exhaustion, depression, whatever. We've all been through the ringer trying to raise these kids we love so much. And although nursing has been heartbreaking for

me, I count my blessings in the fact that I have really happy, easy-going babies, that sleep good almost from the beginning. I count my blessings that my body was able to have another baby and although delivery was not ideal, Mack came out safe and sound. I count my blessings that I get to be a mother and I know that through the hard parts we learn the most.

In the meantime I happen to be an expert at all things breastfeeding because I've had to be, so I feel prepared to help my girls if they need it!! I am also a huge fan of breastfeeding and think every mom should give it a try if she can. It can be so awesome... but if you just can't do it, I totally get that too. I think we all need to support one another through the whole thing. No judging, just understanding.

AND if you want to come over and "shop" in my nursing drawer, I think I'm ready to open it up, put the stuff away, and move on.

Thanks for listening.

Mr. Domestic and Another Baby Boy!

Lately Logan has become interested in domestic duties. Last week when my foot had me stuck on the couch, he made cookies almost completely and totally by himself. He also made cornbread, did the dishes a few times, helped make dinner, started 2 batches of laundry, moved laundry into dryer, folded AND put clothing away, and did a few other things I can't remember. It was so cute and he was super proud of himself for doing some new, hard-ish things. He is just a great kid.

Tomorrow is Friday and I'm GLAD. I have a dr. appt. and I'm looking forward to meeting with a midwife this time. I am worried about the weigh in because I kind of sabotaged myself a few times this week (donuts and candy bars were involved- darn it!).

Then today I made mint brownies for a pack meeting and I remembered how I used to make them all of the time and they were "the blog brownies" for awhile. They are still a favorite recipe but definitley one that should be used very sparingly. Sometimes I feel like the whole world is into all this great healthy eating right now (have you read all the healthy blogs?) and I'm just sitting at home eating mint brownies.

Whatever.

In other news, Bremily found out this week that they are having a boy! That is three boys being born this year in our family and I'm so happy my baby is going to have so many cousins his age:

This Weeks Highlights:

Getting tons of things checked off of my to-do list

Actually returning our library books on time

Going on a walk and not having foot pain

Finishing all the laundry in two days

Macey celebrating the 100th day of school (she was so excited!)

The girls playing "daycare" for hours and getting Logan involved

Donuts (sorry but they were heavenly)

Getting Lexi new glasses and contacts

Dave getting the stuff to build shelves for me

Baby boy doing gymnastics in me every night

and

My bed

Ok that's enough.

Happy Weekend Friends!

The Babies

We got to visit the babies yesterday and they are as cute as ever. So much bigger too. Their granny is so nice to let us all come, bombard the house, and get CC all hyped up. It was fun.

A Win-Win Situation

We finally found a way to bathe AJ that works for everyone: put Macey in there too and have her hold him while I scrub him down. AJ was happier and less jumpy and my back thanked me a million times today. I realize that I am only 31 but having two babies is kicking my out-of-shape behind. My arms are sore daily and bath time results in a discombobulated back for the next 24 hours. Macey loved holding him all nakey (who can blame her?), he loved being held, and I loved the ease of it all. Yay for us.

I am Schedule Obsessed

I wrote this last week and never posted it......... so we are a week into the schedule fixing operation and it's going pretty good. Friday was hard and I almost quit. Turns out AJ's a little harder than our kids were. But since Friday it's been a lot better and the last 2 days he's been almost right on. I think it's going to work after all....

I might be weird but I get a thrill over schedules. I like them. I like to create them. I like to stick to them. And I especially love to fix them. I was always good at getting my babies on a schedule early on. I don't do it in the full on 'cry it out' way- I can't handle a newborn crying for too long, but I work at it for a few weeks, manipulating things here and there until it is perfect for us. Once the baby is on a great schedule we are all much happier and well rested. It is exciting.

Well, the time has come to fix up AJ's schedule just a little bit. I gave him an extra month. He is three months now and I am a huge believer in babies sleeping through the night (8 hours) by two months. I gave him his time and he isn't quite working it out so we are going to step in and help him.

The next two weeks are devoted to this and I'm hoping if we are consistent and stick it out he'll be awesome by March 8th.

This is his schedule now:

7:30 wake up, eat
9am- sleep
10 am wake up, eat
11:30-12 noonish sleep
1-2 wake up, eat
4pm ish sleep
4:30 - wake up, eat
6pm -go to bed, thinks he can be in bed for the night at this point
8pm we try to feed him, he sleeps
2am- sometimes wakes up, we try not to feed him cause we don't want him to make a habit of it
4 am- wake up, eat
sleep
7:30 wake up

Are you bored yet?

The problems I have with his schedule now are short naps during the day, the 6pm bedtime, the sometimes 2 am waking, and the 4 am feeding. Mainly the 4 am feeding because I'm too tired to do it, Dave insists on doing it, but then I don't want him commuting to work on such little amounts of sleep.

This is what I want his schedule to be:

7:30 wake up, eat
9:15 sleep
10:30 wake up, eat
12:30 sleep
2:30-3 wake up, eat
5pm sleep
6pm awake, eat
8:30 eat
9pm sleep through the night

So, in order to accomplish this great schedule these are the things I must do:

1. hold off his morning nap until 9:15 which means holding him and keeping him happy even when he's really tired (eventually I will make this nap even later)
2. do not feed him until designated eating times, even when he wakes up early and is fussy
3. keep him awake until its time for bed/nap even if he is fussy and wants to sleep- this requires more holding
4. wake him up fully when it is time to eat if he is still sleeping... this is hard and I hate it but it is worth it in the end
5. hold him off in the night so that he won't develop eating habits in the night
6. when he is hungry at his usual 4am feeding give him 4 ounces instead of 5 and gradually over the next 2 weeks give him less and less until he doesn't need it.

It usually takes about 3 weeks of hard work for a schedule to come together. It is 3 weeks of comforting him in the night without the bottle... yet making sure he eats plenty during the day so he isn't truly hungry It is three weeks of keeping him up when he's tired so his naps will be longer and waking him up to eat if he sleeps too long. It is three weeks of dictating how our lives will run, rather then letting him dictate.

Dave and I have committed to it and I'm really excited to see if it will work with our little man. In the end he will be more predictable thus making our lives more predictable.

(he's smiling so big here because he thinks everything I do is hilarious. I love it)

Is There A Support Group For This?

Baby Bum Addicts Anonymous

Dear Little Size 2T panies,

It is time to pack you away. You no longer fit around my 4 year olds' bigger-sized bum. In fact, I've been squeezing you onto her for too long and she might end up with permanent indentations if I keep this up.

Why do I feel like crying when I think of getting rid of you? You are just the cutest thing. Sometimes when I pull you out of the wash and fold you, I almost cry because I know you are too small on my child, but I am afraid I will never see you again if I put you away! Will I ever have a little size 2T bum again? If I knew I would, I could put you away for awhile. But since I don't know, I want to keep you around. I just can't throw you in the trash. Can I frame you? Or would that be weird?

Love,
A babyless mother who loves little bums

Baby Love

This last week I was so lucky to get to babysit my nephew Bennett for a whole day plus a little more. He loved me and I loved him. We shopped together, ate puffs together, laid on my bed together, and walked to get the mail together. Later that night I was going out with some friends so I had to leave him with Dave. He was sad and totally wanted me and it was awesome. He was attached and I loved it. My favorite part was when he fell asleep when I fed him his bottle and he laid in my arms for awhile just sleeping. There just can't be anything better than that- a sleeping baby in arms. Seriously, what is better? Isn't he the cutest thing?

"I love my aunt Denae"

Please note that I changed his shirt shortly after this picture was taken. He is a drooling machine.

Stuff

First item of business: I know you're dying to know my anniversary gift. I was dying too and tried to get it out of him early. When we were first married, I always could. Now he knows my tricks and he stood strong and withstood them.

To celebrate we went to dinner at CPK, the temple, and then dessert at Fenton's. Apparently going to the temple is all about the food for me. I must have delicious food before and after or it just doesn't feel like a complete temple trip.

My present was a new lens for my camera!! I hadn't asked for it, so he surprised me which rarely happens and I'm excited about it. It is a wide angle lens which means you can get more background while still being close-up on the subject, or you can shoot landscapes, and big groups. I am taking a BIG family photo at our family reunion this summer so it will be perfect.

It was perfect for getting us and the whole temple in the shot below. I realize the settings are messed up on this photo and it is too light. Woops.

The next item of business is this: Dave and I have started the process of becoming licensed to do foster care for infants. I can't wait. Unfortunately, you have to wait. It takes about 4 months for the licensing to be complete. So, in September sometime I will get my first foster baby to take care of.
Why are we doing this, you might wonder? Well, Macey is 3.5 and going off to preschool in August. I still don't have a baby. I want a baby. We've thought about adoption and don't quite know if it's the right road for our family, yet. So this will be something to do in the mean time, at the same time, helping babies who need help.

I went to the informational meeting and was totally sold on it. Our county has 18oo kids in foster care and they need good homes where these kids can feel love, feel safe, gain trust in adults, and thrive. My home is perfect for that, so why not offer it? Plus I will get to take care of newborns. Maybe even someday we'll do grade-school children. One more thing, if there is a baby that we are fostering and that baby goes up for adoption, we would have first chance to adopt. When you adopt through the county, it is free. Doesn't it all just sound so great? I can't wait.

Third item of business: I'm working on a project with Dave. Remember in October when I picked up that orange chair off the side of road? We're recovering it now- we tore the whole thing apart on Monday and now we're fixing it all up. I'll post pictures when finished.

My Revelation

Most of the time I just get mini-revelations. Then some days, every once in a long while, I get a really good bigger revelation. Lots of times I am self-conscious of my revelations because others may have gotten the same one, but WAY before me and I don't want to seem slow or anything.

But this one I want to share.

For a long time I've been contemplating why bad things happen to good people and God doesn't make it go away, Or why God doesn't give us things we want that are really, really good.

Like it's not like I'm asking for more money so I can buy more clothes and a bigger house or get plastic surgery (those would be bad things to ask for and I would totally understand Him NOT giving me that.)

And it's not like I'm asking for a trip to Europe, or a new car, or for my cat to run away, or even for my hair to stop turning gray.

I'm asking for a baby. A baby to be born into a happy family, with a mom and dad who love each other and who would love him... and take him to church, and let him go to school and college, and love him, and teach him good stuff, and give him brothers and sisters and grandma's and grandpa's and cousins, and love him, and hug and kiss him all day long. A baby. That is a good something to ask for.

So why does God not always give us the good things we want?

My answer came this week. It was almost as if John Rosemond said it himself! But I know who it really came from.

The answer came in the form of a question that I have often asked myself.... "why don't I give my children everything they want??" And my answer to myself in the past has always been , "because it builds character." Children who have everything they've ever wanted are spoiled, ungrateful, selfish, and always seeking instant gratification. Wanting something that you can't have, or that you have to really work or wait for, makes you stronger and better somehow.

And it's so true. I wish I had learned it earlier. It's the first answer to this question that has really made sense to me. I am simply a child being taught to grow by a loving parent who wants me to be better and stronger than I would be if I got everything I wanted when I wanted it.

Do I like this answer? No, but throwing fits doesn't work for my kids and it hasn't worked for me so far!! I just need to be patient and try to learn the things He wants me to learn. And in the meantime maybe ask for something smaller like for that package I'm waiting for to come in the mail soon.

Do Not Be Alarmed

Sometimes, lately, when I babysit a friends baby I pretend the baby is mine, and it is really fun.

Isn't this baby cute? This is Tatum. When I babysat her the other day she really liked me. I like her because when she smiles her eyes get all squinty.

I also babysat 2.5 month old twins last Sunday. My friend with twins doesn't have a blog so I didn't feel right about putting her kids' pictures on mine.

But Tatum's mommy said I could. How cute is she?

We had lots of fun playing together.

Then, my real baby, Macey, got jealous and came over, and I saw how huge she was next to my pretend baby, Tatum, and I was scared. How did Macey get so huge so fast? Look at her giant head and arm! How can I possibly have an almost 3 year old for a baby? It is just too weird.

If you have a baby and want me to babysit, I'm available. And don't be nervous that I will try to keep your baby or anything. Dave and I talk about the babies we know, and which ones we would keep, if we could keep one, but don't worry, we are law-abiding citizens.

My Thoughts On Miscarriage

My baby Macey, almost 3 years ago. Wasn't she the chubbiest??

Please excuse my venting blog. I guess I'm having a bit of a relapse... or maybe it is my roller coaster hormones. Either way, I can't keep my feelings in. Also, please don't take anything personally... these are just my feelings in general right now... obviously not directed at anyone!

Did you know that only 8 in 1000 women have 3 miscarriages in a row? That's me. One of those 8 in 1000. Well guess what? I didn't want to be that.

Did you also know that one of the worst parts about miscarrying is that society doesn't count a miscarriage as a real loss? The pain the mother feels is often disregarded... especially if "you were only 9 weeks along." Miscarriage is a loss of a person, no matter how tiny, and that is why it hurts so much.

And to lose that tiny person involves a lot of pain, and yuckiness, and a never-ending roller coaster of emotions. First, the build-up of all the pregnancy hormones. Then, just when they've pretty much peaked, they spiral downward as the pregnancy ends. Then, all of the after-pregnancy hormones begin...it's as if you've given birth... but no baby.... and who knows how long those can last?? This is the cycle my body has been in over the last 1.5 years. Do you think all of my hair is going to fall out eventually? I do.

Today is the 6 week anniversary of my D&C. Do you want to know why a D&C is so horrible? Because they put you to sleep, and when you wake up, everything that was once inside of you is gone. You didn't get to see it, or touch it, or even feel it come out. There is no closure. You simply go home and feel so completely empty. And then you wonder if you really needed a D&C anyway... maybe everything would have been o.k. if they had just re-checked one more time for that little heartbeat that you saw just a week ago beating so strongly.

And then you are supposed to move on. You're supposed to just leave the doctor's office with no return appointment scheduled and with no answers.

You're supposed to be happy for every pregnant woman you see and not think about how far along you would have been that day. You are supposed to smile at babies and not think of your baby and where it might be, and if it was a boy or a girl, and why it died. And then you're supposed to stop crying and stop thinking and stop feeling so sad about a tiny thing that you only had for a couple of months.

Did you know? When you've miscarried 3 times in a row your chances of miscarrying next time go up... from 25% to 50%. But you're supposed to keep trying, and not give up, and not be terrified of it happening all over again.

Well, it just doesn't work that way. I never knew I could grieve so much for something so small. I never knew that I could think about something every second of everyday and that my heart would hurt so much. I never knew I would re-live all of my miscarriages so vividly in my mind when I went to bed at night, over and over and over again. I never knew that I could dislike a stranger walking down the street just because she has a big, round, healthy belly. I never knew I wouldn't be able to hold anyone else's baby without feeling sad and hopeless. I just didn't know these things. No one ever told me.

This week I would have been 15 weeks. But did you know that a 15 week old baby is not much different than a 9 week old baby? By 9 weeks the baby's heart has been beating for 43 days already, the baby is pumping blood, and brain function can already be recorded on an EEG. The baby can move, squint, swallow, move its tongue, and if it's palm is stroked, it will clench it's fist. Amazing. And who are these people who don't consider babies "inside" to be real people yet?

I KNOW without a doubt that these babies have their little spirits, and had their time on earth, even though it was so very short. Did you know Joseph Smith said, "All your losses will be made up to you in the resurrection, provided you continue faithful. By the vision of the Almighty I have seen it."? His wife Emma lost 5 babies. I think he was saying that to her.

My cousin sent me a book and inside I read this poem. It was as if I had written it, (except that I can't write poems). This woman expresses how I have felt these last 6 weeks.

Just Those Few Weeks
Susan Erling

For those few weeks- I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.

In those few weeks-
I came to know you... and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!

Just those few weeks-
When I lost you.
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams, and aspirations...
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks-
it wasn't enough to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.

Just a mere few weeks-
And no "normal" person would cry all night
over a tiny, unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?

You were those few weeks my little one.
You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer,
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.


***

I Couldn't Make You Stay

You were torn from my womb today
A thousand prayers, a mother's love
Couldn't make you stay.

My faith tried to the limit
During years of wanting you
Now despair fills an anguished soul
My frail heart is broke in two.

You slipped from my womb today
A thousand prayers for miracles
Didn't make you stay

Goodbye my sweet, loved baby
Some say we'll "meet again"
If I have any faith left
It rests on that refrain

You slipped from my womb today
My pleas for divine assistance
Failed to make you stay

Sweet baby gone to heaven
you still live in my heart
God grant me strength to carry on
Without falling apart

You slipped from my body today
Here's a thousand tears and a mother's love
to send you on your way...

***

Return to Blogland

I'm still alive.

(me waving hello to you)

I think I'm ready to come back, although I can't make any promises for how often I'll post. I can't believe I used to post everyday! Now that I've been out of blogland for awhile, I realize that blogging is not an essential part of life. But I do like it, and that's why I'm back.

First of all, thank you to everyone for your kind comments and e-mails. They really made me feel good and cared for. I read them frequently and as I said before, so many of you are extremely good examples to me.

I'm feeling better. There will always be a crack in my heart but at least it doesn't feel completely shattered anymore. I have so many blessings to be thankful for. I'm still working on trying to turn these miscarriages into something positive. Some days are better than others.

I want a baby so bad it hurts. My arms and my heart ache. It is a frustrating thing for a person like me who likes to be in control. I've always had a life plan... I make goals... I do things on time. And I can't control one thing about my situation right now and it is difficult.

However, I have found ways to cope. The main ways of coping for me have been spiritual ways... but those things are obviously personal and I'm not going to go into details.

I have found another way of coping... and that is giving myself lots of things I want!! Please do not judge me, but when you can't have the ONE THING you REALLY want, you feel justified in giving yourself everything else. Well, not everything... but let's just say I've been spoiling myself a little bit.

Now I will tell you what I've been doing... minus the spiritual, personal things, of course.

First of all, I've learned that shopping is really good therapy for me.

I spent the first 5 days in my house, in my bed, not answering the phone or door.

On the 5th day I began to feel the NEED to go shopping. I had some birthday money I had been wanting to spend and decided now was the time. Dave watched the kids for me and I went to downtown Walnut Creek. I meant to be gone for about 4 hours. I was gone for 8. It felt so good. Please do not judge me, but I spent money and I bought things I don't normally buy myself very often. You could say I treated myself to some nice things. And I spent a teense bit more than just my birthday money. And it definitely cheered me up. I highly recommend spoiling yourself when something bad happens to you.

Oh and one more thing... when I came home with all of my bags, Dave didn't say one thing except, "show me everything!" I love him so much.

I had designated a certain day to be my "moving on" day... meaning that was the day I had to get up, do my hair, put makeup on again, try to stop crying and move on with my life. Having a new outfit to wear on that "moving on" day helped a ton. And then I had a new outfit to wear for the next 5 days and that helped the whole week!!

I'm not saying everything was fine and dandy after the "moving on" day. In fact, the next 2 days were kind of bad again. But I do recommend setting a date for yourself. Give yourself a week or so to cry your eyes out and ignore the world. But then get up and make the move to "move on." You can still have bad days but setting the date helps.

Another way I spoiled myself was to eat everything and anything I wanted at any given moment. I ate a whole box of Sees's that a friend gave me in the first 2 days. I also became completely addicted to 3 musketeers. I had spent 2 months trying to eat really good for the baby, so it felt so good to let loose. I ate a few bags of cheese puffs and we ate "out", meaning no cooking at all, for 3 weeks! It helped. I mean, all of these things helped, but of course, nothing could really make up for losing a baby.
I'm just telling you what pulled me through the worst of it.

Last but not least, the ultimate lifting of my spirits came when my family took a little last minute trip. I'll share pictures later but this little trip helped me a TON. It got me out of the house, away from my sadness and kept my mind off of things. I highly recommend a change of scenery when you need to climb out of a hole and press forward in life. I spent some time with some of my cousins and my sweet Grandma, and lots of driving time with my BFF husband and wonderful kids.

I came back a new woman... I cooked two times in the last few days and I cleaned my house for the first time in almost 4 weeks! And now I'm blogging! See? Spoiling yourself and relaxing on vacation really works.


There's more to tell.... but for now, I think this blog is long enough.

I have one more thing to say. This blog has always been lighthearted and don't worry, it will stay that way. When the first 2 miscarriages happened, I didn't even blog about them at all. I didn't want my blog to be sad. This time I wrote about it because I just couldn't pretend everything was o.k. anymore. But I'm not going to be dwelling on it. I might mention it here or there, but for the most part I will be focusing on the positive, happy, blessed parts of my life.
There are lots of them.

little warm bodies

Why is it that little baby bodies are so warm?? You all know my issues with being cold all of the time. I have found that snuggling with Macey warms me up and just kissing her little neck or putting her face next to mine works too. But she wants nothing to do with it. Today has been especially cold and I have been trying to get hugs and kisses from her warm little self all day. She keeps saying, "no mom! I big girl!" and pushing me away! Whatever. I guess she thinks big girls shouldn't have to hug and kiss their mom. I think I need a new baby that can't protest so much.

Miss Macey

It's hard to decide what the cutest age of a baby is. Macey's almost a year and right now she's so cute. Pretty much everything she does makes me happy... except, of course, the fit throwing and food throwing and screaming and rolling over when I'm trying to dress her. But everything else is so cute. Especially her scrunch nose face. For those of you who know her, you've probably seen it. For those of you who don't know her, I'm attatching a picture. I don't know where she learned it, but everytime she does it I can't help but laugh. Which she loves and which makes her scrunch even more intensely (is that a word?) So this morning at 7 am when she did the scrunch nose face I took a picture and decided to blog about it. Hope you all enjoy~