Hot Chocolate

I'm obsessed with it lately. It warms me up SO much. Today I purchased a hot chocolate maker for myself. I got the last one in the store, the display model, for 40% off and I was thrilled to my cold bones!

At Panera they have delicious hot chocolate in large amounts and I want it every second.
The cup is bigger than my head (see below).

Heaven.

I just looked at this picture again and realized that I look strangely small and weirdly big headed with a small body. Please realize that the camera is playing tricks on us and I don't look like a child-sized body with an adult-sized head in real life. I think the large cup is also helping to skew the proportions.

Return to Blogland

I'm still alive.

(me waving hello to you)

I think I'm ready to come back, although I can't make any promises for how often I'll post. I can't believe I used to post everyday! Now that I've been out of blogland for awhile, I realize that blogging is not an essential part of life. But I do like it, and that's why I'm back.

First of all, thank you to everyone for your kind comments and e-mails. They really made me feel good and cared for. I read them frequently and as I said before, so many of you are extremely good examples to me.

I'm feeling better. There will always be a crack in my heart but at least it doesn't feel completely shattered anymore. I have so many blessings to be thankful for. I'm still working on trying to turn these miscarriages into something positive. Some days are better than others.

I want a baby so bad it hurts. My arms and my heart ache. It is a frustrating thing for a person like me who likes to be in control. I've always had a life plan... I make goals... I do things on time. And I can't control one thing about my situation right now and it is difficult.

However, I have found ways to cope. The main ways of coping for me have been spiritual ways... but those things are obviously personal and I'm not going to go into details.

I have found another way of coping... and that is giving myself lots of things I want!! Please do not judge me, but when you can't have the ONE THING you REALLY want, you feel justified in giving yourself everything else. Well, not everything... but let's just say I've been spoiling myself a little bit.

Now I will tell you what I've been doing... minus the spiritual, personal things, of course.

First of all, I've learned that shopping is really good therapy for me.

I spent the first 5 days in my house, in my bed, not answering the phone or door.

On the 5th day I began to feel the NEED to go shopping. I had some birthday money I had been wanting to spend and decided now was the time. Dave watched the kids for me and I went to downtown Walnut Creek. I meant to be gone for about 4 hours. I was gone for 8. It felt so good. Please do not judge me, but I spent money and I bought things I don't normally buy myself very often. You could say I treated myself to some nice things. And I spent a teense bit more than just my birthday money. And it definitely cheered me up. I highly recommend spoiling yourself when something bad happens to you.

Oh and one more thing... when I came home with all of my bags, Dave didn't say one thing except, "show me everything!" I love him so much.

I had designated a certain day to be my "moving on" day... meaning that was the day I had to get up, do my hair, put makeup on again, try to stop crying and move on with my life. Having a new outfit to wear on that "moving on" day helped a ton. And then I had a new outfit to wear for the next 5 days and that helped the whole week!!

I'm not saying everything was fine and dandy after the "moving on" day. In fact, the next 2 days were kind of bad again. But I do recommend setting a date for yourself. Give yourself a week or so to cry your eyes out and ignore the world. But then get up and make the move to "move on." You can still have bad days but setting the date helps.

Another way I spoiled myself was to eat everything and anything I wanted at any given moment. I ate a whole box of Sees's that a friend gave me in the first 2 days. I also became completely addicted to 3 musketeers. I had spent 2 months trying to eat really good for the baby, so it felt so good to let loose. I ate a few bags of cheese puffs and we ate "out", meaning no cooking at all, for 3 weeks! It helped. I mean, all of these things helped, but of course, nothing could really make up for losing a baby.
I'm just telling you what pulled me through the worst of it.

Last but not least, the ultimate lifting of my spirits came when my family took a little last minute trip. I'll share pictures later but this little trip helped me a TON. It got me out of the house, away from my sadness and kept my mind off of things. I highly recommend a change of scenery when you need to climb out of a hole and press forward in life. I spent some time with some of my cousins and my sweet Grandma, and lots of driving time with my BFF husband and wonderful kids.

I came back a new woman... I cooked two times in the last few days and I cleaned my house for the first time in almost 4 weeks! And now I'm blogging! See? Spoiling yourself and relaxing on vacation really works.


There's more to tell.... but for now, I think this blog is long enough.

I have one more thing to say. This blog has always been lighthearted and don't worry, it will stay that way. When the first 2 miscarriages happened, I didn't even blog about them at all. I didn't want my blog to be sad. This time I wrote about it because I just couldn't pretend everything was o.k. anymore. But I'm not going to be dwelling on it. I might mention it here or there, but for the most part I will be focusing on the positive, happy, blessed parts of my life.
There are lots of them.

Pillow Pickiness

I am very picky about pillows. It has to be "just right." Not too hard, not too soft, not too flat and NEVER lumpy.

Yesterday my kids decided to play a little game called, "get all of the pillows in the house and take off all of the pillowcases and slide down the stairs with them and then leave them everywhere."

Which was sort of o.k. with me until I went to bed last night and realized my personal pillow had been involved in the game. NOT O.K.!

I guess at bedtime Dave had made them collect all of the pillows, put the cases back on, distribute them to all of the beds, and then go to sleep.

Well, somehow my pillow must have been distributed incorrectly because the very second I laid my head upon it, I knew it wasn't the right pillow.

It was late so I thought, "oh well, one night with a weird pillow can't hurt." 5 minutes later I decided, "yes it can hurt! I can't sleep!! I've got to find my pillow!!" So I made Dave trade with me. NOT IT! Much too LUMPY!

I then checked the linen closet and grabbed the one that felt right. NOT IT! TOO RIDICULOUSLY FLAT! WHO COULD SLEEP ON A PANCAKE??

Next one from the linen closet.... NOT IT AGAIN! SMELLY, AND MORE LUMPS!
At this point I'm exhausted and annoyed.

I sneak in and slide the pancake pillow before mentioned under Lexi's head and steal the one she's sleeping upon. I get under my covers and place the pillow under my weary head. WRONG PILLOW AGAIN! MUCH TOO ENORMOUSLY FLUFFY! NECK CRINK GUARANTEED THE NEXT MORNING IF I USE THIS ONE!

Then I started whining and crying a little bit about the blasted kids who confused the pillow situation. I'm just too tired to get out of bed again!!!

Moaning, struggling, tossing and turning finally got Dave up and he went and stole Macey's for me to try out. Would it be my luck to have found my perfect pillow by this time? ABSOLUTELY NOT! FLATTER THAN A PANCAKE THIS TIME!!!!!!! IF YOU CAN BELIEVE THAT!!????!!!!!!!!!!!!???

And lastly Dave steals Logan's ..... and much to my joy and comfort it is the right pillow.

The very second I placed it "just so" under my neck and slightly twisted upward in the back, I KNEW. THIS WAS MY BELOVED PILLOW AND THANK THE HEAVENS ABOVE I HAD FOUND IT AT LAST.

Dave thinks I'm crazy. Do you?

The Art of Napping

I come from a family of nappers. My mom always took "20 minute power naps," my dad took a nap every afternoon when he arrived home from work (he had to be at work at 5am so he was tired!). Every Sunday after church my siblings and I would all sleep for hours.

I go in and out of "nap phases." Sometimes in my life, I've felt too guilty to nap. Right now I don't. Therefore, I am taking one almost everyday, these days. And I love it. There is nothing quite as exciting as anticipating your nap. Then, when the moment finally arrives, and the stars have aligned, you curl up and, smiling, drift off to sleep.

So, let's get down to the "nitty-gritty."

To have a wonderful napping experience, there are a few essential things that must take place.

1. Have a delicious snack just prior to nap time. It is easier to fall asleep when you feel happily full of something yummy.






2. Make sure that all children are engaged in an activity that will keep their attention for a long period of time.

I usually nap for about 45 minutes to an hour. I always nap during Macey's nap because she can't quite be left unattended yet. Another trick that works for me is to not let my children watch very much T.V. most of the time. That way, when I really need them occupied, I can use the T.V. and they become zombies who can't tear their eyes away from the screen and therefore, will not bother me for ANY reason.

Another trick is bribery. Sometimes I tell them that if they let me sleep for 45 minutes without bothering me (unless there is a fire or something) then they will get a special treat when I wake up. This works well for us.




3. Use a face mask to block out light.

I tend to think too much when there is light. My curtains don't block it out enough, so I use this handy little mask. It tricks my brain into thinking it is nighttime.




4. The knee pillow. For ultimate comfort, place a cushy pillow between both knees. I can't sleep without my knee pillow.






5. Use a light weight blanket. And NEVER get under your covers.

If you get under your covers you will never get out. It is just too cozy. It is also just too sweaty. People tend to sweat more during daylight hours. Your nap will NOT be as enjoyable if you wake up sweaty and hot. A baby blanket works perfectly because it gives enough warmth, but not too much.







6. Use a noise machine.

This small electronic will only cost you a few dollars but will greatly add to your napping enjoyment. The one I use imitates the sound of a calming wind. It allows my brain to focus on a low hum and tune out any other background noise (like perhaps screaming children).








7. Last but not least, as you are falling asleep, think of something fun to do, or eat, after your nap. This will help you to get up when the alarm goes off.

Remember, you mustn't sleep for too long during the day. Naps are meant to rejuvenate you, not to make you groggy or throw off your nighttime sleep schedule.

For additional napping information, or napping questions, please contact our local expert, my friend, Celia.

Also, if you have any additional napping tips to share, please do so. I may not have covered everything in this post.





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I might as well live in Alaska

I am cold ALL of the time. I've decided that it is diminishing the quality of my life.

When you are constantly cold, your muscles are always tense and you are in pain. And all you think about is getting under some blankets or sitting on your behind in front of the heat dish. It's a waste of time to sit in front of the heat dish but that is what I do ALOT. I dread going outside or getting into my freezing cold car. I also dread washing my hands because I'm usually in a hurry and can't wait for the water to get warm. I often find myself standing in front of the warm oven with the door open when cooking something. All I think about all day is blankets, jackets, the heat dish and hot soup or chocolate. It is a miserable way to live. I dress in layers everyday including wearing a jacket around a lot. I use the heat dish. My heater is turned up to 72 everyday ( I can't bear to go higher because it costs too much). What else can I do? I've tried to talk Dave into moving to Hawaii but he is worried about the commute being too long. I say it's worth it to be warm all of the time! I love being warm. I can't wait till summer. Here is a picture of me doing what I do for many hours a day. Can anyone else relate???