And in honor of it (ha ha) I would like to share my story about how breastfeeding Mack did not work out. And I would like to take this opportunity to applaud all the moms out there who have struggled, and tried, cried, and almost died to breastfeed their child, yet it was not meant to be.
Breastfeeding has always been something I really wanted to do. Yet, it is has always been extremely difficult for me. I could go on and on trying to explain my theories for WHY it has been so difficult for me. But I will spare you the hour long monologue about that.
Bottom line: I have never had enough milk. It runs through parts of my family. I believe it is genetic. And it has been somewhat of a tragedy for me although with time and age I feel myself getting over it just a little bit (I can say that now, you should have seen me three months ago).
Anyway, if you have never struggled with milk supply you have no idea the torture and endless hours and effort that can go into trying to build one. For those of you who don't know, I will tell you what I must do to build a decent (though not full) milk supply:
Nurse the baby every 1-2 hours.
Pump with a double electric, hospital-grade pump for at least 10 full minutes after each and every nursing session.
Swallow 24 large horse pills of herbs 3 times a day. Gagging and choking has occurred.
Take a prescription medication that claims to increase milk supply but could cause depression. (Logan)
Order a prescription drug from an international pharmacy because it is so impossible to get it here in the US! (Mack)
Weigh my baby daily to see if he/she is gaining.
Do the Pump Test (every week or more) to figure out how much I'm making.
Calculate how much extra they need of formula and divide it up to be given to baby after each nursing session.
Begin to use a nursing supplementation system if baby starts to prefer bottle because he/she is smart and knows it's where the good stuff is. (Lexi)
Meet with a lactation consultant multiple times and get no help.
Watch as the lactation consultant begins mixing a bottle of formula to feed your starving/dehydrated baby. (Lexi)
Feel like a failure.
Cry through the whole process.
Through all of these measures I was blessed to get to nurse my 3 oldest children for a time. It got better with each child and I had more milk with each child. When I made it to ten months (with supplementation, of course) with Macey I believed I was amazing and wanted to throw a celebration party!! It was such a good experience with her and I was very excited to have a similar one with Mack.
I was all prepared with my nursing drawer full of: a brand new nursing cover, a brand new nursing pillow, nursing pads, 2 amazing new nursing bras, all of my old bras cleaned and ready, lanolin, soothing pads, herbs, pump bags, etc.
Little did I know.
Apparently, when you lose a lot of blood in delivery and do not have a transfusion, your body has to work extra hard to re-build your blood supply. And apparently, when ones body is working extra hard to re-build a blood supply it cannot, at the same time, build a milk supply.
The problem is, I did not know this, and no one bothered to tell me until 2 weeks into the struggle. The pump test revealed that I was making 1 ounce every 3 hours. "No big deal," thought I, "I can build it up with the strategies I've used before."
The thing is, Mack was born a big boy. And a big boy is a hungry boy. And big, hungry boys are not happy to have one ounce every few hours. So a couple of weeks later when he tasted his first bottle, he fell in love, and fell asleep content.
At that point I knew we had a major problem. In a frantic, emotional moment I sent Dave (bless him) to the hospital to knock on doors and find a Dr. that would help me! I had taken Reglan in the past but wanted Domperidone. I needed a prescription fast. It was the only thing that would save us, once I had figured out my problem, I knew things were going downhill and I was desperate to make it work somehow! My supply, after three weeks, was the same... and every time I tried to nurse, Mack would throw a big screaming fit until I gave in and he got his beloved bottle.
No Dr. would come to my rescue. We ordered the meds from Canada instead. They never came. My body couldn't handle the pressure I was putting it through, and I was losing it. I tried to hang on. It didn't work out. I cried for days and tried to force my poor baby to nurse when he didn't want to. I was a crazy person. But Dave finally talked some sense into me and with prayers and blessings I made the decision to bottle feed, and we made it through.
Mack is still in love with his bottle, but guess what? He loves me too. Nursing was just not meant to be this time around. Once again, I think God was trying to teach me (as he continually does) that my plans aren't always going to work out. That I can't control everything. That I can make it through a detour and come out of it ok. He gave me the baby I wanted so badly and if that baby can't nurse, then he can't nurse, and it just doesn't matter! Life goes on!
Now, I know that every mother in the world has baby struggles. It might be nursing issues, fussiness, exhaustion, depression, whatever. We've all been through the ringer trying to raise these kids we love so much. And although nursing has been heartbreaking for
me, I count my blessings in the fact that I have really happy, easy-going babies, that sleep good almost from the beginning. I count my blessings that my body was able to have another baby and although delivery was not ideal, Mack came out safe and sound. I count my blessings that I get to be a mother and I know that through the hard parts we learn the most.
In the meantime I happen to be an expert at all things breastfeeding because I've had to be, so I feel prepared to help my girls if they need it!! I am also a huge fan of breastfeeding and think every mom should give it a try if she can. It can be so awesome... but if you just can't do it, I totally get that too. I think we all need to support one another through the whole thing. No judging, just understanding.
AND if you want to come over and "shop" in my nursing drawer, I think I'm ready to open it up, put the stuff away, and move on.
Thanks for listening.
17 comments:
Been there, done that.
I love me a bottle baby. Every now and again, I get down that my body also failed at the milk task. But I have three extremely healthy and smart kids and so now I quickly get over it.
And even though formula is costly, it is way cheaper than having to get a boob job to counteract the effects of breastfeeding.
There is always a silver lining.
Note to Breastfeeding moms: More power to you for being able to breastfeed, that is awesome; but us non-breastfeeders have to find the upside where we can.
Great, necessary post. Been there, done that. I feel done having kids for many reasons, but the idea of having to struggle through that whole milk supply issue is a big one.
As always, you say the real, honest things that people love to read+are inspired by.
I've been there too. I struggled with my first two. The first I lasted three weeks. The second lasted until the way home from the hospital. We had to stop at the in-laws on the way home just to give her a bottle because she was so starving and I had nothing for her. Finally the third time around I decided to forgo the torture of attempting and go for the bottle from the beginning. And although I think some of the women in church may have looked down their nose at me, it was the best decision for me. I was able to focus on my baby without constantly worrying that she was starving to death.
So basically, thanks for your post. It's good to hear from others who have had problems too.
Me = extremely low milk supply. I felt good when I could nurse one of my children to 5 months. I've gotten over it and even admired my sister when she went straight to the bottle with her 5th child (side note: that kid is fun, cute, healthy and smart). Thanks for sharing.
Excellent post I hope all new Mums or Mums to be read this.
It can also be about the baby too. I had one wean himself at 6 months and one I had to "close up shop" on at 3 years! Yes 3 years I am a lunatic ...
I think feeding your baby should be like the birth and delivery, that is having a happy healthy baby at the end is the most important thing rather than how you get there.
my 4th was born tongue tied and couldn't latch on properly so I pumped for 6 weeks and then went to the bottle. my 5th was born premature and in the NICU I did my darndest to build that milk supply with a pump but it never happened. I pumped for 5 weeks, found out he was lactose intolerant and put him on a special formula. It is heart breaking and guilt ridden but in the end it is okay and what matters is they are healthy and growing. The bonding is as strong when bottle feeding as breastfeeding if you hold and nuzzle and love them! My favorite quote is "Guilt should be reserved for sin." Not whether you can breast or bottle feed!
Denae, you are amazing. You have such a great outlook on life and the purpose for trials, and I miss having you a part of my life. I know we were only roommates for like a second, but still I just love you and wish you lived next door to me. Mainly, for friendship, but also kinda so I could steal your chunk-a-munka and have baby time every now and then. He is so beautiful!
I went through the same thing! We found out that Corbin was tongue tied about three weeks after he was born which didn't help the situation, but I don't know if discovering that in the hospital would have changed things either. Breastfeeding was something I really wanted to do, which is why I think it was hard for me to accept the fact that it wasn't happening. I definitely want to try again with the next baby but I won't make myself go through the three months of torture like I did this time.
I'm glad you're feeling better about the situation. You have beautiful kids!!
Thank you for sharing, cuz I am the same. I don't produce enough milk and it just sucks. You just feel like you failed. I did 6 months nursing with Maddie and I felt like I was starving her. Did 1 and 1/2 months with Katie and just didn't even try with Preston.
Mack is ADORABLE!
I love this post. Thank you for sharing.
I am going through this exact thing right now. I feel extremely guilty and I also thought that nursing a girl after 2 boys would be different. I think I am wrong. It hurts too, I am throwing the idea around in my head, because I nurse and 10 minutes later she is starving for more. I am hoping I can last for at least a few months. I commend you for going the lengths that you have to try and nurse each of your kids.
I too love your attitude. Thanks for making all of us that can't nurse feel better!!
Liz
I'm so sorry denae! You've gone through so much and I just want everything to be easy for you now. You are a great example to me! Thank you!! And Mack is such a beautiful baby.
Denae,
Thanks so much for sharing your feelings.
I think I may have told you this before but with the post partum depression being so crushing for me with my oldest and my having to be hospitalized for it I couldn't breastfeed. (Partially because I dried up while in the psychiatric hospital and partially because the doctor recommended I didn't breastfeed due to some of the medication I had to go on to help with the depression.) I felt such shame. I am talking, "Hanging my head in shame" kind of shame. I felt like I was too freakin' crazy to be able to do something that women have been doing since the dawn of time...I am so grateful that peace finally came and I realilzed that I had to be the best I could be for my baby...and that meant getting the help I needed...and just accepting bottle feeding.
I really appreciate this post. You are really going to help people by putting it out there.
We've had this discussion. But I feel your pain. I too was not a successful nurser. And it wasn't for lack of trying.
Love this post. I've had a baby that wouldn't breastfeed and those that would. I've always told people that if it works for you then GREAT, but if it doesn't, don't beat yourself up about it. Easier said than done, I realize. I had the pro nursing mom and the anti nursing mother-in-law both telling me their opinions and each of them driving me nuts. I think as women, we're just programed to feel like failures when we can't do something our bodies were made to do. I felt that way with not being able to nurse Levi and REALLY REALLY felt that way when my body wouldn't get pregnant on its own. Don't women have enough pressure in the world?! Kudos to you for doing everything you can. I feel for you, Denae. I'm sure you were feeling really betrayed by your body not being able to breastfeed Mack. Especially after waiting so long for him and dreaming what you'd want it to be like when he finally came. I think you're a rockstar and I ALWAYS will!
Good post Denae. I hate breastfeeding because I am only marginally successful and I have to do the whole pumping etc process. I want breastfeeding liberation for my next kid.
Nursing is so hard. I was always so mad when lactation consultants would tell me it was something I was or wasn't doing that was causing the problem. :( Aren't they supposed to be helpful and supportive?!
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