Delightful Denae will not let infertility ruin her life.

You see, I happen to know that God has a plan for me. Some days I get really mad and almost forget that I know. But really I can't forget. Because really, I know. How do I know? I'll tell you.

When I had my 3rd miscarriage last September I was thrown. I cried for weeks. In the midst of that crying I started to come up with a plan. I'm that type of person. I have to have a plan.

I needed three questions answered by God.

They were:

1. Will I ever have another baby?

2. What do you want me to learn?

3. What do you want me to do with my life in the meantime if I can't have babies?

I decided I would pray, write, and read my scriptures all day every day until I got my answers. Well, my first answer came and it was... "be patient... the answers will come on God's time not yours." Ok-dokey.

So, I kept up with my part and waited. Slowly, and at the most unexpected times, the answers to my questions came. They really came and I knew that God knew me and knew what I needed to know. Can I pretend that didn't happen? Of course not.

Time went on and I was having hard days again. I made another plan and really dedicated myself to obtaining a lasting feeling of peace. I had my answers but I still felt so sad.

Then one day, peace came. It came because I prayed for it. It came right after a really hard few days. It came when I really, really needed it. It was overwhelming and amazing. Once I had it, it stayed with me. It was really, really strong at first. Over time it has lessened a bit but I will never forget that gift from a loving Heavenly Father to His (desperate) daughter in need.

Now when the hard days come, when I start to get all panicky about my fertility and my future, when I start to desire a baby so bad I want to steal one, I always look back to that day when the peace came. I remember what a gift it was. It changed my life to know that God loves me that much and will bless me with peace when I thought my heart would feel broken forever! He really can heal us! What a relief to know we don't have to always feel heartbroken over our struggles, sins, missed opportunities, losses. God will give us peace if we ask for it.

The point of this post is to say this: I know God loves all of us, each individually. Our prayers are not always answered the way we want them to be. BUT in the midst of pain, sadness and struggle He is there. I know it and I can't deny it. As mad as I might get, as frustrated as I might get, as impatient as I always am, I know that this is what God wants for me at this time, and he will give me strength to bear it.


WAIT
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, 'Child, you must wait'.
'Wait? You say, wait! ' my indignant reply.
'Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By Faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.
My future and all to which I can relate
hangs in the balance, and YOU tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
And Lord, You promised that if we believe
we need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, 'You must wait.'
So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
and grumbled to God, 'So, I'm waiting.... for what?'
He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
And he tenderly said, 'I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.
All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want But, you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint;
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence were all you could see.
You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save.... (for a start),
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.
You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for Thee.'
Yes, your dreams overnight would come true,
But, Oh, the Loss! If I lost what I'm doing in you!
So, be silent, My Child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, 'WAIT.'

(author unknown)

Baby Reminiscing

Today is my due date. It feels like a long time since my last miscarriage and I know it probably seems strange that I should remember and care about this date, but I do! If all had gone a bit better, I would have a baby in my arms, or at least be extremely pregnant.

But that's ok. I am doing so much better than I was a couple of months ago. I'm happy and enjoying my life and feeling peaceful about everything. I really am Delightful Denae now. It's so great to feel like you made it through something really hard and feel like you are now better prepared for more hard stuff if it comes (please don't let it come).

I can't help but reminisce a little.

About now, I would've looked like this:

Pregnant with Lexi

Or this:

Pregnant with Logan

(with friends Wendy, Ashley and Karen)

Or this:

Pregnant with Macey (with my friend Mindy)

about 9 months along with Macey... my stomach was a weird shape wouldn't you say?

Or I would've been doing this:

Holding newborn Lexi January 2001

She was tiny! Only 5 lbs. 14 oz, and on time too! I was in love.

Holding newborn Logan, June 2002

I'm crying here with happiness and relief to be holding him after they took him away for a few minutes. You know that overwhelming feeling of love you have when you first hold your baby? That's what I was having. He was so sweet right from the start.



Holding newborn Macey December 2004
She was the roundest little soft face girl with dark hair. So cute.

Instead of all that, I looked like this today:

I know you're all sick of pictures of me being in love with my treats but I'm sorry, this is the stage I am in right now.

It was still a good day. I had been sort of dreading it thinking I would be all sad and wishful. Instead I wore my special necklace, bought myself a box of See's and ate it, and took dinner to a friend who just had a baby. And now the day is over and I'm glad. I don't have to be dreading it anymore and I can move on again.

Just for your information my favorite Sees is the Dark Chocolate Bordeaux and the Scotchmallow ... I got 4 each of those in my 1 lb. box.

Also the See's store is 1 mile from my house. It takes me 3 minutes to get there. It is a difficult trial in my life.

Day 4

DAY 4

First, the best news of the day.... the package I have been waiting for finally arrived!!!
It is my New Years Resolution Necklace and I'm going to wear it for all of 2008 to help me remember my goals.

Do you like it? I love it.
It is by Lisa Leonard Designs

Today for Deceptively Delicious Day 4 we had Peanut Butter and Jam muffins. One thing that I've learned from this book is you can sneak a lot of healthy stuff into muffins and it pretty much goes undetected! These have carrots in them and they were yummy. I really liked them... it turns out my kids don't like jam with seeds... even on a muffin. So they were a little hungry heading off to school. Not good.

For dinner we had Jessica's homemade Mac and Cheese with cauliflower. I liked it pretty well. The cheese got a little thick though.

Unfortunately the kids did not like it. And frankly, Logan has had it with the new recipe trying this week!! He was hungry and kindof mad when I served something new and yucky again.

I made him take a few bites and then gave him stuff he likes. I usually do not do that but my kids have been troopers through this little experiment. For Logan's sake, I'm going to take a little break from Deceptively Delicious and serve him up some familiar dinners. He's cute when he's mad though... he gave me a big thumbs down without a second thought!

Lexi actually liked the mac and cheese better than anything else this week... but still, not a total thumbs up.


And Macey... well, Macey is a little wishy-washy. Before she had a bite, she voted yes.

Then quickly changed it to a no, after downing her cup of milk (see hand).


Dessert was "Angel Food Cake Cupcakes", however, they turned out to be tiny! And just ok. I added lemon frosting with lots of powdered sugar so the kids gobbled them down.

Recap: Muffins are good and you can hide anything in them!! Mac and cheese= ok. Most kids would probably like it but mine are extremely picky. Angel food cake cupcakes... don't bother with them. It's like taking one bite of a cake... tiny and not satisfying.

Now I have to say that I have nothing against Jessica Seinfeld! I hope she doesn't read my blog and feel as though I am dissing her. Jess, we're still tight, right?? Tell Jerry I said hi!

It's just that my kids are picky (and to be totally honest, if you couldn't tell, I'm picky too!) I think overall the breakfast foods were great!!! Go ahead and try those!

I will probably stick to my own dinner recipes but will try adding some purees into some of them. Seriously, the butternut squash and sweet potatoes are virtually tasteless and packed with good stuff. Throw them into anything!

Desserts... I haven't tried enough of them. I'm going to keep trying them and will keep you posted on those.

Hope you enjoyed Deceptively Delicious Week by D-dawg!! I am now quitting. I will try some more recipes in the future. But for now, my family needs some real food that is familiar, and I need less cooking and dishes!



***

My Favorites For the Week

This was my favorite thing to look at this week. A darling little flower candle holder that I picked up here.

My favorite thing this week about Macey is that she played outside a lot. She especially loved rolling around in a sheet on the trampoline.

My favorite thing this week about Logan is he is reading by himself a bunch. Sounding out most words right and it is so exciting.

My favorite thing this week about Lexi is that she can clean her room all by herself! Finally! I don't have to sit in there and direct. She's got it down.

My favorite thing this week about me is I was mostly delightful. I let my kids have friends over to play. I gave Dave a back scratch. I played the Nintendo DS with Logan and let him talk to me all about it. I made cookies with Macey. I went visiting teaching. I did my laundry in one day and didn't complain. I didn't curse the post office for being so late on both of the packages I'm waiting for. I got a babysitter for Saturday night. AND I'm planning on watching an old movie with Dave that he's been wanting to watch and I haven't (bill and ted's excellent adventure... boring but I'll do it for him!)

And last but not least, my favorite thing about Dave this week was when he took Lexi to work and let her sell her girl scout cookies to people. I hate selling things. Her goal was 50 boxes. At work with Daddy she sold 130! He is the best dad in the whole world and she was so excited.

***

Coincidence? I think NOT!

Sometimes fortune cookie fortunes are right on the money! And sometimes they're not. I'm still trying to decide what my fortune from Saturday night was. Can fortunes be sarcastic? Cause that's what it felt like.

We (my husband, me, and our 3 children) were all sitting around a table at Panda Express. I was hungry and annoyed because the cashier had been extremely slow ringing us up, causing my rice to get cold. I was harping on Logan for trying to eat while standing up. I was throwing the evil eye at Macey across the table and scolding her for whining about the "yucky food," AND I was bothered by the fact that Lexi was trying to eat with chopsticks, and therefore not really eating anything. Maybe a few grains of rice made it to her mouth. Oh yeah, and let's not forget that Dave's huge elbow was taking up most of my space.

I finished my meal and cracked open my fortune cookie. What exactly did my fortune read? See below.





My first thought was, "ouch, that hurts a little". I was being anything but delightful at the moment.

My second thought was, "how does my fortune cookie know about my New Year's resolution to be "delightful Denae??? AMAZING!!!"

My third thought was, "thank you fortune cookie for reminding me!!"

I showed Dave and while he laughed, I resolved to be completely delightful the rest of the night.

See, it's all about baby steps. My goal is to be delightful but it takes little reminders, like my fortune cookie, to keep me going. It is hard to be delightful all of the time, so I am having some slip ups... but there are still 358 delightful days left in 2008!


Now, I'll give you a quick tiger update! Some sources are saying that the 2 brothers mauled may have been drinking and using marijuana around the time of the tiger attack. AND ambulance workers say that the brothers made a pact inside the ambulance, (quote) "to never tell them what we did" (unquote). Seems to me there was definitely taunting and baiting going on and who knows what else!!! I wish they would tell us what happened but it seems that we'll never know the full story. Huge bummer for me.

2008

My first thought, when I think of 2008, is a negative one. There's only a very slim chance of me bringing home a baby this year. That makes the whole year stink as far as I'm concerned.

But that's the negative side of me. And I'm not going to share all of those thoughts with you. What's the point of that?

Instead I'm going to tell you about the positive side of me. The positive side of me has a name. Her name is Delightful Denae!

Delightful Denae is a positive and happy person. She has faith and hope and not fear. She shares a space with Downer Denae and often has to fight for her chance to shine.
But 2008 is her year! She will make her debut tonight at midnight!

Delightful Denae's thoughts for the year 2008:

1. I am blessed.

2. I believe: "The purposes of God are great, His love unfathomable, His wisdom infinite, and his power unlimited." (Joseph Smith).

3. I will have: Spiritual Contentment (go here, click on #1).

4. I will turn outward instead of inward.

5. I will remember: "The Lord is not slack concerning His promises."

Please cheer for Delightful Denae, she needs all the help she can get to fight off Downer Denae and make her 2008 debut! But she will be triumphant!