Some Good Reads

A few years ago when I was going through secondary infertility and recurring miscarriages I used to write about it on my blog.  I still get emails from people asking me or telling me that a post hit home to them.  I'm glad my archives are there for those that might be looking for comfort or someone to relate to.  I was emailing someone a few conference talks that meant a lot to me during those years (and still do) and it occurred to me that I should post them on my blog in case someone else could benefit.  

So here they are along with a few fave quotes from each.  Maybe I've posted them on the blog before, I can't remember.  Each title is a link.

The Refiners Fire

"Here then is a great truth. In the pain, the agony, and the heroic endeavors of life, we pass through a refiner’s fire, and the insignificant and the unimportant in our lives can melt away like dross and make our faith bright, intact, and strong. In this way the divine image can be mirrored from the soul. It is part of the purging toll exacted of some to become acquainted with God. In the agonies of life, we seem to listen better to the faint, godly whisperings of the Divine Shepherd."- 

(This is so true!  When things are going well we aren't as in tune and we don't rely on the Lord as much as we should.  The refiners fire is an interesting subject that I love to learn about).

"Into every life there come the painful, despairing days of adversity and buffeting. There seems to be a full measure of anguish, sorrow, and often heartbreak for everyone, including those who earnestly seek to do right and be faithful. The thorns that prick, that stick in the flesh, that hurt, often change lives which seem robbed of significance and hope. This change comes about through a refining process which often seems cruel and hard. In this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master in building lives of faith, usefulness, beauty, and strength. For some, the refiner’s fire causes a loss of belief and faith in God, but those with eternal perspective understand that such refining is part of the perfection process."

The Timing of the Lord

"How fundamentally different my life is than I had sought to plan! My professional life has changed. My personal life has changed. But the commitment I made to the Lord—to put Him first in my life and to be ready for whatever He would have me do—has carried me through these changes of eternal importance."

“The issue for us is trusting God enough to trust also His timing. If we can truly believe He has our welfare at heart, may we not let His plans unfold as He thinks best?

(This one has some tangents but the main idea- the Lord's timing- is so good.  I love Elder Oaks examples that he shares of how his life is so different than he planned but you can feel his faith come through it.)

Claim the Exceedingly Great and Precious promises

This one was given in conference one month after my third miscarriage when I didn't know if I was going to survive the trial (sounds dramatic I know).  I love how he talks about how the Lord keeps his promises if we are obedient, and how this life is not the end of our journey but just a part of it.  And of course I love the part "and God remembered Rachel"- it gave me so much hope when I needed it.  And to hear a leader of the church speak from the pulpit about infertility was huge for me- and exactly what I needed when I needed it.

I know God knows us each individually and knows what we are going through that is difficult, painful and sad.  He has promised us so much and we just have to be patient.  He wants to give us what is best for us and we can only trust Him. 

During our infertility/miscarriage years we did 4 IUI's and months of clomid that never worked or resulted in miscarriage (I had three).  After four years I decided to give up trying so hard and we did foster care instead.  A year later our foster babies left us and I had no idea what to do next so I went on two vacations and we got pregnant with Mack in between those.  At my first appointment my doctor told me Mack was a miscarriage (there was blood showing in my uterus on the ultra sound and no heart beat or fetal pole to be found) and told me to go home and wait it out.  He handed me a brochure on miscarriage and said good luck.  Ten days later I went back to the doctor.  I hadn't miscarried yet and that day we saw Mack's tiny little heart beating strongly.  Seven months later he was in my arms.  I believe in miracles!

If there are readers of my blog who are struggling with this please don't give up or let anger and bitterness take over.  God has a plan for you.  It may not be what you think it will be.  But I know that we must taste the bitter to know the sweet.  And the sweet is worth it.  It's worth the bitter.  It is sweeter than you imagined it would be.  And at the end of a trial (if there is an end, if not you'll have to discover this in the middle) you are a better and stronger person.  You have changed in ways that you never would have changed had you not suffered.  It is hard and long and painful but it is not for nothing.  Feel free to email me if you ever want to talk!

Love,

Denae

Remembering

One year ago today I sent my kids off to school and drove down to Walnut Creek with my little Macey. She was going to spend the morning at Grandma's house while I went to my first appointment with the new high-risk pregnancy doctor I'd been assigned to.

I was nervous to see someone new. I would miss my infertility doctor who had become my friend- I just love her.

I dropped Macey off, and as I drove downtown I offered another thank you prayer to my Heavenly Father. These thank you prayers had become an hourly ritual. Every time I felt any sort of pregnancy symptom I offered one. Thank you for letting it happen for me again. Thank you for helping us find out what was wrong. Thank you for my Doctors who are treating me. Thank you that I get another chance at motherhood. Thank you for this sweet little baby. Oh and please keep my baby healthy and strong. And please help me to be brave when I get my shot each night. And please help me to always remember how lucky I am.

I walked into the freezing cold hospital, catching a glimpse of myself in the reflection of the window. I couldn't believe I was showing already! I was thrilled to see my little round belly.

The receptionist handed me the paperwork and I began to fill it out. The bottom of the form read, "please list all pregnancies." I listed six. Three to full term, 2 miscarriages, and one going strong! Six pregnancies... if I had anymore I would have to turn the page over and finish listing on the back.

I had already heard and seen my baby's heartbeat 2 times. It was music to my ears. After losing 2 little babies through miscarriage in the last year and a half, having a surgery, and enduring way too many intrusive measures to remember, I was finally pregnant again. We had taken care of every problem they had found, and were treating the last problem with medication, so I felt 100% safe. I was the happiest girl around. And the most unsuspecting. If only I had realized that the risk was just as great as it had been before... maybe I would have been prepared.

The nurse called my name and I walked back to the room and changed into the paper thin robe. The Doctor came in and we started chatting right way. She was friendly and I was excited.

As soon as my baby's little figure came up on the screen I felt that something was wrong. My heart started to pound and my body started to quiver. I turned my head up toward the ceiling and closed my eyes. Just wait... calm down... everything will be fine.

The Doctor stopped chatting and looked too closely at the screen as the ultra sound wand moved around, searching. I waited.... and waited...

I couldn't stand the silence any longer. "I'm not seeing the heartbeat there... "I said casually, "um, is everything ok?"

"Let me just finish these measurements and we'll see."

Clicking.

Wait.

Heart pounding.

She searches.

Nothing.

Searches some more. She really searches.

Quietly she says what I already know,"I'm not seeing the heartbeat..."

I cover my face with my hands and break down.

She stops the ultrasound and awkwardly places a hand on my leg while my body convulses in sobs.

I can't believe my baby is gone.

I'm lying on a table, in a robe, with a stranger patting my leg, and my baby is gone.

I want to freeze time and do something to save it! My baby's heart was just there 7 days ago!

Are you sure it's not there? Check again!!!

But it's too late.

She steps out of the room and I sit there crying, and staring at the little ultra sound picture- the last glimpse of my baby that I'll have for awhile.

Dave rushes to the hospital to rescue me.

We meet with the high risk Doctor who does not check the baby again and immediately schedules a D&C for the next day.

Not fair.

I just want my baby. I just want my life to go back to what it was 30 minutes ago. How can everything end in 30 minutes? How could this happen to me again?

2 hours later I walk out of that same hospital door a different person. Little did I know those moments in time would change me, change my life. That those moments would stay inside my head and come back to me when I tried to sleep. I still can't think about those moments in that room without crying.

But one year later I'm a stronger person. My baby had to leave so I could grow. And I grew. I grew up. I learned what life is about and although it's not fun, it's necessary. And it can still be fun, and it can still be happy, but always with a little pinch of heartache for the heartbeat that wasn't there.

I still say my ritual thank you prayers. Thank you for my family. Thank you for my three children. The three that I can hug, and kiss, and hold. And thank you for the three that are gone. Maybe someday I'll get to hug, and kiss, and hold them too. Thank you for what I've learned. Thank you for the comfort I felt. Thank you for helping me to get through it. Please help me to learn more, but maybe in a different way? Can this trial end now? Can I have a baby to bring me hope again? I trust you, and I'll take what comes, and I won't let it beat me. And I guess for now I'll just keep working on my patience.

Delightful Denae will not let infertility ruin her life.

You see, I happen to know that God has a plan for me. Some days I get really mad and almost forget that I know. But really I can't forget. Because really, I know. How do I know? I'll tell you.

When I had my 3rd miscarriage last September I was thrown. I cried for weeks. In the midst of that crying I started to come up with a plan. I'm that type of person. I have to have a plan.

I needed three questions answered by God.

They were:

1. Will I ever have another baby?

2. What do you want me to learn?

3. What do you want me to do with my life in the meantime if I can't have babies?

I decided I would pray, write, and read my scriptures all day every day until I got my answers. Well, my first answer came and it was... "be patient... the answers will come on God's time not yours." Ok-dokey.

So, I kept up with my part and waited. Slowly, and at the most unexpected times, the answers to my questions came. They really came and I knew that God knew me and knew what I needed to know. Can I pretend that didn't happen? Of course not.

Time went on and I was having hard days again. I made another plan and really dedicated myself to obtaining a lasting feeling of peace. I had my answers but I still felt so sad.

Then one day, peace came. It came because I prayed for it. It came right after a really hard few days. It came when I really, really needed it. It was overwhelming and amazing. Once I had it, it stayed with me. It was really, really strong at first. Over time it has lessened a bit but I will never forget that gift from a loving Heavenly Father to His (desperate) daughter in need.

Now when the hard days come, when I start to get all panicky about my fertility and my future, when I start to desire a baby so bad I want to steal one, I always look back to that day when the peace came. I remember what a gift it was. It changed my life to know that God loves me that much and will bless me with peace when I thought my heart would feel broken forever! He really can heal us! What a relief to know we don't have to always feel heartbroken over our struggles, sins, missed opportunities, losses. God will give us peace if we ask for it.

The point of this post is to say this: I know God loves all of us, each individually. Our prayers are not always answered the way we want them to be. BUT in the midst of pain, sadness and struggle He is there. I know it and I can't deny it. As mad as I might get, as frustrated as I might get, as impatient as I always am, I know that this is what God wants for me at this time, and he will give me strength to bear it.


WAIT
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, 'Child, you must wait'.
'Wait? You say, wait! ' my indignant reply.
'Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By Faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.
My future and all to which I can relate
hangs in the balance, and YOU tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
And Lord, You promised that if we believe
we need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, 'You must wait.'
So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
and grumbled to God, 'So, I'm waiting.... for what?'
He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
And he tenderly said, 'I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.
All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want But, you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint;
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence were all you could see.
You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save.... (for a start),
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.
You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for Thee.'
Yes, your dreams overnight would come true,
But, Oh, the Loss! If I lost what I'm doing in you!
So, be silent, My Child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, 'WAIT.'

(author unknown)

My Progress

I have finally turned a corner in my life and I need to share it! It has been almost 6 months since my last miscarriage and I am finally feeling better. The thing is, I didn't even know how bad I was feeling until I started to feel better. For the last 2 weeks or so I have felt really happy again and I have had a feeling of peace and calm come over me and actually stay. During the last 6 months I have had moments of peace, and moments of happiness, but alot of the time was spent remembering or worrying. Not to mention the hormonal ups and downs. This time I really feel better and I know it's going to last. I am so relieved. I feel a hundred times lighter.

It is interesting how the stages of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance) really do take place in someones life after they experience a loss. For me I had to grieve the loss of my babies and the loss of a life dream. When you're actually going through the stages you might not really notice, but now that I have finally hit the last stage (acceptance) I can look back and see how I went through each one.

About 2 weeks ago I had some new and different thoughts come to me and they slowly started to change my way of thinking. That's when I entered the "acceptance" stage. Without really recognizing it at first, I have been thinking more positively and connecting a lot of my thoughts together into one big change of mind. It is hard to explain but it is amazing!! I know it was a slow process that took place over time and it is finally all coming together for me and it feels so good. I cry every time I think of it. And this new change of mind has been reaffirmed to me in so many different ways.

After my miscarriage in September I remember thinking, "why do I have to go through this again??? I learned everything I needed to learn last time!" Now when I think about me saying that it makes me laugh. I have learned more in the last 6 months than ever before in my life. My whole outlook on life has changed forever and I feel like I can face anything that comes my way. There is always going to be more hard stuff but now I know I can make it through and I can find happiness through it.

I can't help but realize that if I hadn't lost that baby in September none of this growth would have happened and I wouldn't have learned so much about myself, my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, the gospel, and life. I've learned more about friends, family, my husband, faith, emotions, patience and strength. I've learned about people too. I now look at everyone differently. I'm always thinking, "what has that person gone through?", or "what are they going through right now?" I've also realized that everyone has learned lessons in their lives and listening to people share how they got through something can help you get through your something!

Coming into the last stage of grief has actually, somehow, taken me back to person I was before all of this. Yes, I'm different in a lot of ways but I feel like my old self again. I had no idea it would take me this long to go through the stages. Some might not realize how much losing a baby (even a 9 week along baby) can have such an effect on all parts of a person's life. I know I didn't realize it until it happened to me!! I had no idea something like this could knock me down so hard. Every person's journey through losing a baby or babies is different and it is different each time. Looking back I see that I have grown in different ways with each loss.

I am so thankful to now be coming out of the tunnel. I have goals and dreams and ideas for the future and I'm excited to work for them again. I realize that these last 2 years I have been so absorbed and obsessed with having a baby that I have been neglecting other important parts of my life. It is almost like I put everything else on hold and thought, "I'll deal with that when this trial is over", or "when I get a baby I'll move on and start living again." Now I know that some trials don't end quickly (or ever) and you have to be able to really live and enjoy life during your struggles.

Life is about learning how to be happy and that is a choice you make for yourself. It is easy to let discouragement and sadness get you down and make you want to stop trying. Remembering what the purpose of life is (to be happy, to learn, and to become better) helps to keep you going. The purpose of life is to be molded by GOd into something better. Being molded hurts, but it is necessary!

So... it's good news for me! I made it through and I'm alive and better than I was before... something I did not think would happen a couple of months ago. I know there might be more hard stuff to come but I am so much stronger now and I know I can make it through whatever comes my way. The Gospel of Jesus Christ has given me hope and comfort and has helped me to find purpose and peace in my life and I am so, so thankful for that.

(p.s. the bags under my eyes are getting better too. i'm so happy for myself)

(p.s.s. I was going to thank a few of you by name for your emails that helped me a lot. Then I remembered a lot of comments that helped me. Then I remembered my real life friends that helped and my family too. Then I realized I can't start naming names, but thank you to all for your advice, words of wisdom, for sharing your experiences with me. They've helped more than you know!)

Holland

"Welcome to Holland" by Emily Perl Kingsley

She wrote this about having a child with a disability. I am likening it to my situation with re-current miscarriage. I changed the words in quotes to fit me.. is that ok? Let's hope so.

"When you're going to have a "family", it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The Gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After much "planning" and eager anticipation, the "time" finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills...and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland."

Thank you Emily.

Welp, I think I'm officially in Holland!! (Infertility land) I'm looking around and trying to decide what I find to be nice about Holland.

I've read lots of infertility blogs, hoping to find something positive, but all I seem to find is negativity and bitterness.

I need advice from those who have dealt with, or are dealing with infertility. How do you get over the fact you are in Holland when you really, really, really wanted to be in Italy? How can I get over my plans being changed? I promise I'm trying really hard. But everything I'm trying just doesn't seem to be working. I wish I could go back to when I was a little girl and decide then that I only wanted 3 kids. Then I wouldn't be struggling with the change of plans. I wish I could give up trying and be happy in Holland. Maybe it just takes time. But how much time? Any help for me?

My Revelation

Most of the time I just get mini-revelations. Then some days, every once in a long while, I get a really good bigger revelation. Lots of times I am self-conscious of my revelations because others may have gotten the same one, but WAY before me and I don't want to seem slow or anything.

But this one I want to share.

For a long time I've been contemplating why bad things happen to good people and God doesn't make it go away, Or why God doesn't give us things we want that are really, really good.

Like it's not like I'm asking for more money so I can buy more clothes and a bigger house or get plastic surgery (those would be bad things to ask for and I would totally understand Him NOT giving me that.)

And it's not like I'm asking for a trip to Europe, or a new car, or for my cat to run away, or even for my hair to stop turning gray.

I'm asking for a baby. A baby to be born into a happy family, with a mom and dad who love each other and who would love him... and take him to church, and let him go to school and college, and love him, and teach him good stuff, and give him brothers and sisters and grandma's and grandpa's and cousins, and love him, and hug and kiss him all day long. A baby. That is a good something to ask for.

So why does God not always give us the good things we want?

My answer came this week. It was almost as if John Rosemond said it himself! But I know who it really came from.

The answer came in the form of a question that I have often asked myself.... "why don't I give my children everything they want??" And my answer to myself in the past has always been , "because it builds character." Children who have everything they've ever wanted are spoiled, ungrateful, selfish, and always seeking instant gratification. Wanting something that you can't have, or that you have to really work or wait for, makes you stronger and better somehow.

And it's so true. I wish I had learned it earlier. It's the first answer to this question that has really made sense to me. I am simply a child being taught to grow by a loving parent who wants me to be better and stronger than I would be if I got everything I wanted when I wanted it.

Do I like this answer? No, but throwing fits doesn't work for my kids and it hasn't worked for me so far!! I just need to be patient and try to learn the things He wants me to learn. And in the meantime maybe ask for something smaller like for that package I'm waiting for to come in the mail soon.

My Thoughts On Miscarriage

My baby Macey, almost 3 years ago. Wasn't she the chubbiest??

Please excuse my venting blog. I guess I'm having a bit of a relapse... or maybe it is my roller coaster hormones. Either way, I can't keep my feelings in. Also, please don't take anything personally... these are just my feelings in general right now... obviously not directed at anyone!

Did you know that only 8 in 1000 women have 3 miscarriages in a row? That's me. One of those 8 in 1000. Well guess what? I didn't want to be that.

Did you also know that one of the worst parts about miscarrying is that society doesn't count a miscarriage as a real loss? The pain the mother feels is often disregarded... especially if "you were only 9 weeks along." Miscarriage is a loss of a person, no matter how tiny, and that is why it hurts so much.

And to lose that tiny person involves a lot of pain, and yuckiness, and a never-ending roller coaster of emotions. First, the build-up of all the pregnancy hormones. Then, just when they've pretty much peaked, they spiral downward as the pregnancy ends. Then, all of the after-pregnancy hormones begin...it's as if you've given birth... but no baby.... and who knows how long those can last?? This is the cycle my body has been in over the last 1.5 years. Do you think all of my hair is going to fall out eventually? I do.

Today is the 6 week anniversary of my D&C. Do you want to know why a D&C is so horrible? Because they put you to sleep, and when you wake up, everything that was once inside of you is gone. You didn't get to see it, or touch it, or even feel it come out. There is no closure. You simply go home and feel so completely empty. And then you wonder if you really needed a D&C anyway... maybe everything would have been o.k. if they had just re-checked one more time for that little heartbeat that you saw just a week ago beating so strongly.

And then you are supposed to move on. You're supposed to just leave the doctor's office with no return appointment scheduled and with no answers.

You're supposed to be happy for every pregnant woman you see and not think about how far along you would have been that day. You are supposed to smile at babies and not think of your baby and where it might be, and if it was a boy or a girl, and why it died. And then you're supposed to stop crying and stop thinking and stop feeling so sad about a tiny thing that you only had for a couple of months.

Did you know? When you've miscarried 3 times in a row your chances of miscarrying next time go up... from 25% to 50%. But you're supposed to keep trying, and not give up, and not be terrified of it happening all over again.

Well, it just doesn't work that way. I never knew I could grieve so much for something so small. I never knew that I could think about something every second of everyday and that my heart would hurt so much. I never knew I would re-live all of my miscarriages so vividly in my mind when I went to bed at night, over and over and over again. I never knew that I could dislike a stranger walking down the street just because she has a big, round, healthy belly. I never knew I wouldn't be able to hold anyone else's baby without feeling sad and hopeless. I just didn't know these things. No one ever told me.

This week I would have been 15 weeks. But did you know that a 15 week old baby is not much different than a 9 week old baby? By 9 weeks the baby's heart has been beating for 43 days already, the baby is pumping blood, and brain function can already be recorded on an EEG. The baby can move, squint, swallow, move its tongue, and if it's palm is stroked, it will clench it's fist. Amazing. And who are these people who don't consider babies "inside" to be real people yet?

I KNOW without a doubt that these babies have their little spirits, and had their time on earth, even though it was so very short. Did you know Joseph Smith said, "All your losses will be made up to you in the resurrection, provided you continue faithful. By the vision of the Almighty I have seen it."? His wife Emma lost 5 babies. I think he was saying that to her.

My cousin sent me a book and inside I read this poem. It was as if I had written it, (except that I can't write poems). This woman expresses how I have felt these last 6 weeks.

Just Those Few Weeks
Susan Erling

For those few weeks- I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.

In those few weeks-
I came to know you... and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!

Just those few weeks-
When I lost you.
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams, and aspirations...
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks-
it wasn't enough to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.

Just a mere few weeks-
And no "normal" person would cry all night
over a tiny, unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?

You were those few weeks my little one.
You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer,
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.


***

I Couldn't Make You Stay

You were torn from my womb today
A thousand prayers, a mother's love
Couldn't make you stay.

My faith tried to the limit
During years of wanting you
Now despair fills an anguished soul
My frail heart is broke in two.

You slipped from my womb today
A thousand prayers for miracles
Didn't make you stay

Goodbye my sweet, loved baby
Some say we'll "meet again"
If I have any faith left
It rests on that refrain

You slipped from my womb today
My pleas for divine assistance
Failed to make you stay

Sweet baby gone to heaven
you still live in my heart
God grant me strength to carry on
Without falling apart

You slipped from my body today
Here's a thousand tears and a mother's love
to send you on your way...

***

Return to Blogland

I'm still alive.

(me waving hello to you)

I think I'm ready to come back, although I can't make any promises for how often I'll post. I can't believe I used to post everyday! Now that I've been out of blogland for awhile, I realize that blogging is not an essential part of life. But I do like it, and that's why I'm back.

First of all, thank you to everyone for your kind comments and e-mails. They really made me feel good and cared for. I read them frequently and as I said before, so many of you are extremely good examples to me.

I'm feeling better. There will always be a crack in my heart but at least it doesn't feel completely shattered anymore. I have so many blessings to be thankful for. I'm still working on trying to turn these miscarriages into something positive. Some days are better than others.

I want a baby so bad it hurts. My arms and my heart ache. It is a frustrating thing for a person like me who likes to be in control. I've always had a life plan... I make goals... I do things on time. And I can't control one thing about my situation right now and it is difficult.

However, I have found ways to cope. The main ways of coping for me have been spiritual ways... but those things are obviously personal and I'm not going to go into details.

I have found another way of coping... and that is giving myself lots of things I want!! Please do not judge me, but when you can't have the ONE THING you REALLY want, you feel justified in giving yourself everything else. Well, not everything... but let's just say I've been spoiling myself a little bit.

Now I will tell you what I've been doing... minus the spiritual, personal things, of course.

First of all, I've learned that shopping is really good therapy for me.

I spent the first 5 days in my house, in my bed, not answering the phone or door.

On the 5th day I began to feel the NEED to go shopping. I had some birthday money I had been wanting to spend and decided now was the time. Dave watched the kids for me and I went to downtown Walnut Creek. I meant to be gone for about 4 hours. I was gone for 8. It felt so good. Please do not judge me, but I spent money and I bought things I don't normally buy myself very often. You could say I treated myself to some nice things. And I spent a teense bit more than just my birthday money. And it definitely cheered me up. I highly recommend spoiling yourself when something bad happens to you.

Oh and one more thing... when I came home with all of my bags, Dave didn't say one thing except, "show me everything!" I love him so much.

I had designated a certain day to be my "moving on" day... meaning that was the day I had to get up, do my hair, put makeup on again, try to stop crying and move on with my life. Having a new outfit to wear on that "moving on" day helped a ton. And then I had a new outfit to wear for the next 5 days and that helped the whole week!!

I'm not saying everything was fine and dandy after the "moving on" day. In fact, the next 2 days were kind of bad again. But I do recommend setting a date for yourself. Give yourself a week or so to cry your eyes out and ignore the world. But then get up and make the move to "move on." You can still have bad days but setting the date helps.

Another way I spoiled myself was to eat everything and anything I wanted at any given moment. I ate a whole box of Sees's that a friend gave me in the first 2 days. I also became completely addicted to 3 musketeers. I had spent 2 months trying to eat really good for the baby, so it felt so good to let loose. I ate a few bags of cheese puffs and we ate "out", meaning no cooking at all, for 3 weeks! It helped. I mean, all of these things helped, but of course, nothing could really make up for losing a baby.
I'm just telling you what pulled me through the worst of it.

Last but not least, the ultimate lifting of my spirits came when my family took a little last minute trip. I'll share pictures later but this little trip helped me a TON. It got me out of the house, away from my sadness and kept my mind off of things. I highly recommend a change of scenery when you need to climb out of a hole and press forward in life. I spent some time with some of my cousins and my sweet Grandma, and lots of driving time with my BFF husband and wonderful kids.

I came back a new woman... I cooked two times in the last few days and I cleaned my house for the first time in almost 4 weeks! And now I'm blogging! See? Spoiling yourself and relaxing on vacation really works.


There's more to tell.... but for now, I think this blog is long enough.

I have one more thing to say. This blog has always been lighthearted and don't worry, it will stay that way. When the first 2 miscarriages happened, I didn't even blog about them at all. I didn't want my blog to be sad. This time I wrote about it because I just couldn't pretend everything was o.k. anymore. But I'm not going to be dwelling on it. I might mention it here or there, but for the most part I will be focusing on the positive, happy, blessed parts of my life.
There are lots of them.

Sad News

4 of my GREATEST blessings.

For the past couple of months I've been planning my "announcement blog." The blog that was going to announce that I was relieved and ecstatic to let you all know that I was pregnant and due in April.

Very unfortunately instead, I have to announce that I am having my 3rd miscarriage in a row. I was being very carefully watched and treated with this pregnancy and I so I am in shock that it isn't going to work out, again.

I'm going to be taking a little break from blogging. I just don't really feel like it anymore. I need to do some soul searching I guess. Just for awhile. Blogging has helped me in a lot of ways during this last year and half of baby struggles. It is good to read about other people's lives and trials and hopes and dreams and experiences... and to see what you're all doing about them. There are so many inspirational people out there who are great examples to me.

Neal A. Maxwell was a wonderful leader in my church before he passed away and this is quote by him that has comforted me: "The issue for us is trusting God enough to trust also His timing. If we can truly believe that He has our welfare at heart, may we not let His plans unfold as He thinks best?"

I don't know for sure how long my break will be,
but I do hope you'll all be here when I get back!!