Arguing with your Spouse...... is it o.k. in front of your kids??
John Rosemond says yes... to a point.
Most parents are taught that it is not a good idea to fight with your spouse in front of the children.
But how else will they learn what committed marriages are really about?
Do we really want them growing up believing that marriage is always a walk in the park?
No, they need to learn that arguments come with marriage. They also need to learn that arguments don't destroy people. Finally, they need to learn how to engage in constructive disagreement with other people. If you don't teach them... who will?
Obviously there are some arguments that children shouldn't hear. As a parent you have to be responsible, and argue in a constructive, civilized way. That doesn't mean you can't raise your voices, but you should never belittle or slander one another.
Some arguments you need to have when the children are in bed.
John says when you choose to argue in front of the children it is important not to let them interrupt you. Simply explain to them you are disagreeing with each other and trying to work it out, and if they don't like it they can leave the room. You must also tell them that they can not interrupt or start crying. If they do they will be sent to their room.
OK this was interesting to me because Dave and I definitely have tried not to fight in front of the kids. But then sometimes you can't help it and you just get mad and it all comes out in the moment!! Actually this happens frequently. Then I have always felt bad afterward that the kids saw it.
But after reading this, I don't feel guilty anymore. I agree that it is probably good for your kids to see that people don't always agree, and we express our opinions and argue, but that we are still committed to each other, and still love each other when it is all over.
What do you think??
16 comments:
I loved hearing his take on this! I think I agree. The hardest will be making sure it's constructive and healthy arguing as opposed to what I normally do - lose all control and yell for a good five minutes. My mom and dad had the same theory in their marriage. We would see them disagree and work it out. It was good because then when I got married and Jakob and I had an argument, I wasn't thinking our marriage was doomed.
With zero experience on the marriage front, but lots of experience seeing couples come in for therapy, I agree with this one. There are several young couples out there who have their first nuptial fight and think the world is ending and they should get a divorce because they never saw their parents fight. I think this is especially true in our LDS culture.
I don't know that I fully agree that kids need to see you fight, but I believe they definitely need to know it happens.
And, even not being married or having kids, I enjoy these little reports.
I think a big part of this is that the children see the parents make up. That is key --if kids see parents fighting and never resolving, then it doesn't do them any good. But I agree that hiding arguments isn't healthy, either...
We also probably fight too much in front of the kids. We actually just talked about this last night --we're trying hard to make sure that as a parental force we are in agreement and if one of us does something (like deals out a punishment to one of our kids) the other one disagrees with, to just be quiet about it and then talk with each other later. Every time our kids see us disagree on parental issues in front of them, it's bad --because then they try to play us off of each other, you know?
I totally agree. I grew up seeing my parents disagree but then also saw them RESOLVE it. That is what is important to do after. My parents are still madly in love and best friends. Bryan on the other hand came from a family where they did not in front of the kids. Now, everytime we have an argument or disagree... he thinks there is something wrong with us. He has learned now that it is normal to not always agree and we do argue in front of the kids... but we always try to resolve it in front of them too! Good one D-dawg!
I love this...what a novel idea. I always felt guilty anytime we would raise our voices to each other. But I totally get his reasoning, they need to see both sides of marriage and how a happy functioning marriage does have disagreements.
Another great post Denae. I went out and checked out some of John's other books and am halfway through A Family of Value. I love it, he is so practical and I really feel empowered. I CAN DO IT!!!! (Without all the screaming.)
I like these reports you are doing and I don't think the are boring at all!
If arguing in front of your kids is healthy, we might qualify for the Presidential Fitness Award. We try to keep it clean, though. They are learning a lot.
What about saying really nasty swear words in front of your kids?
I agree to a point. I do think they need to see healthy arguments, and when it gets to where you are freakin' ticked off, then take it in the bedroom. BUT, I don't think you should tell your kids they can't interrupt you. That's weird. I think it is good for them to know that it is no big deal and they are still important. Fake it, or go somewhere else, but I don't think it's ok to send a child out of the room so you can have a fight.
How interesting! I've never heard of someone supporting arguing in front of the kids before, but I can see his point. Jeremy and I try not to fight in front of the boys, but when we do, it's usually over subjects that are probably ok to discuss around little ears. That's good to hear! I like this guy more and more!
I had a good friend who was also a marriage counselor and she said that it's unrealistic to expect to never fight in front of your kids, besides, she pointed out, how will they learn to resolve conflict? Rosemond is right on in my opinion.
I totally disagree....just teasin, I just wanted to say that. No, I think that is a very interesting point. Kids should know that marriages have disagreements and that there are ways to solve them. I do think its tricky though - to keep the argument civilized and under control, without sarcasm etc. Chad and I try to wait till the kids are in bed for our fist fights:) No, seriously, I'm loving all these tips, so thanks Denae!
I have to say that I don't agree here. I guess that it depends on what an "agrument" to you is. My parents never argued in front of us. They disagreed, but never argued. I have never doubted my parents commitment to each other. I know that they are commited to each other because they have been married for so long. I think that shows what a marriage is. My husband and I don't fight, but we do disagree and that's okay. We are teaching our kids that it's okay to think differently about things!
Good post Denae! I agree. I think it is healthy if it is constructive and civilized. Thanks for sharing. I am going to check out this book!
I already have this book on hold at the library b/c I liked your tips so much. And I think healthy disagreements are okay. We toned it down when AG started taking sides (usually mine). But overall I think it's normal and okay.
I'd be careful of Rosemond. I ordered a magazine subscription to his magazine, one for me and one for my sister. I received one mag, she didn't receive any. When we wrote to his website, we were told that the magazine was no longer being published and that there were NO REFUNDS!!! I think it was $30 per subscription. Then he got in trouble for making up his newspaper column and not disclosing that it was made up. I've found other parenting sources now.
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