|Lexi (who is named after her great-grandma) and Grandma|
It's midnight and I can't sleep so I am going to write about my Grandma. She died today. I know she was old, and I know she wanted to go, but it doesn't matter- I still feel sad. I can't pick up the phone to call her and hear all the details about our family. I can't tell her about my life and know she cares. I will miss her. Of course I believe in life after death. I have had a lot of happiness today imagining her reuniting with my Grandpa up there. I know without a doubt that she had a peaceful day today- so glad to be done with this life and to move on to the next. And I know I will see her again. She's my Grandma and we are sealed together as a family so she will always be mine. But the separation of death is what is hard. The loss for a time being of that person on earth. Even if you only saw them once a year or so, once they are gone you just feel that they're not here on earth with you and that feels sad.
The last time I saw her was summer 2011. I wanted her to meet Mack and a bunch of us stayed with her for a couple of days before heading to another reunion. She held my baby and talked with my big kids and gave everyone hugs. She would sit in her chair and ask us all about our lives. She always wanted to know what was going on. When it was time to say goodbye she hugged me and said, "Denae you're a good mom- I always knew you would be." It was just something I really needed to hear and she must have known.
One thing about my Grandma is she had a lot of love to give. I always felt loved by her. She has 26 grandchildren and I know they all felt the same. And then, we all started having kids and her love just kept on going. My kids (her great-grandkids) have received countless letters, notes, and little gifts from her. Whether is was a pillowcase, a Christmas ornament, or a cross stitch, my kids knew she loved them and they loved her back. Whenever they wrote her a letter, she wrote them a letter in return. She has approximately 30 great grandchildren (I might be missing one or two- too late at night to count) and she knew them all by name, knew their birthdays, and cared for them all. That is amazing. I want to be like her someday.
Remember how in my last post I talked about how overwhelmed and busy we are right now? Well, none of that matters when someone you love dies. Today I ate cookies, played guess-who with Macey, and sprayed the kids with the hose for-ever. I thought about my Grandma and Grandpa and thanked Heavenly Father for them and for my memories. I thought about my cousins and aunts and uncles that I will get to see soon and I felt thankful for them too. I talked to my sisters and mom on the phone. We sat outside this evening and watched Mack explore. Life slowed down just a bit and it turns out that all those things I was stressing about don't matter quite as much as I thought they did.